Lately I feel like everything I say should start with that phrase... This time last month I was in California.. Working on my life to make it better. Doing things I've only dreamed of. And now once again fate has decided something completely different for me. I don't regret much. Just not saying something to her mom when she verbally attacked me and told me how I wasn't worth anything. I wish that woman could walk a mile in my shoes. Where I've been and what I've been through. It's so funny.. How people judge people based off of financial status or what society thinks is right and wrong. I was just raised to not talk down to anyone like that. I'm proud of that. I would have defended her until my face was blue. But that's what happens when you love someone. Oh well. Someone else gets to have a chance with me. Somewhere out there. Not that I'm looking. I know where I wanna be. But it will never happen. I see that now...I was so silly to think I could have changed the destruction we started. I tried really hard to hold on but sometimes it's just not worth it anymore.
I'm scared. Everything around me scares me. I keep getting myself where I think I wanna be and it just keeps getting all messed up. I wanna be safe and protected and normal. I guess I'll never be normal. Which is a good thing I realize. I've been doing things lately that would seem out of control or dumb. But almost all of me just doesn't care anymore. The last month of my life is summed up in the word "unreal" truth!
I keep hearing jenn you'll never be happy.
Jenn you're never getting anywhere in life. Jenn I do love you but... It's like I'm a kid getting molded in to this self destructive person who is starting to believe what people tell her. But I'm not. I'm old enough to realize it and change it
But it's so hard when the only people you love are the ones telling you that you don't amount to much. When all you're thinking is "I'm doing all I can not to fade away and leave this place. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and protect myself, from myself." And to me that takes so much more intelligence and strength when you're struggling with it then it is to become a millionaire and live like society wants you too.
I'm much more than this world and I wish there was a place for people like me who think like I do to be. Maybe there is and it's called a crazy hospital. But for anyone to call some of the people I've been associated with sane.. Then maybe I am
Crazy. Like people who claim to be close to me and leave me when I need them most. For some of those friends who told me what I should do then judge me for doing it. Those who told me certain feelings and acted on it and blamed a drink and swore me to secrecy. Friends. Hard to find. Who wants to hurt you. Who wants to keep you safe. Think about that. What makes you a good friend? Do you get pleasure from seeing someone hurt or do you do what u can to make sure they never hurt. Not matter the circumstance?
I don't care what you've done. If I'm there for you. I'm there. And I'm glad almost everyone knows that's the truth. Eh can't win them all. I'm going through a lot of emotions currently. Who wouldn't? Trying to be with someone who u know you made miserable is hard.. Have I wasted
Time? Or was it suppose to happen.
Other things in life are going ok.. My new roommate situation is good. I'm not sure what I would do without them. I like to think they enjoy me. I fix things and massage them. They seem content. I haven't felt much like hanging
Out without them. It's funny how life works out. Meeting them a year ago or so..funny. Work is going well too. Schedule is excellent money is pretty good right now.
Emily is moving soon.. To London not sure how ill handle that when it actually happens. I'm so Happy for her though. And hope I can visit her. Not sure I can handle a plane ride that long.. But I would for her;))
I wanna play roller derby again. That addiction is getting stronger and stronger.. Transportation is tough but I may be skating with another team or it's on my list of def possibilities. I need to get focused on something other than me. My empty room and thinking. Not that I'm not having the time of my life. I am. I've met some kool new people. Been asked out a little to much then I'm used to and I'm just living day to day. It's the only way to go at the moment. I just know in the long run what I do want. It's finding someone who wants it too. I mean what's wrong with a beach. Bob Marley. Margaritas. And a life of whatever's? Yeah maybe I'll never find that girl. Maybe that girl is me and I need to get a cat and move to the beach. Alone. Eh anyways. I'm going to attempt sleep. I've been sick for a month now! Stress is so bad body. It's insane. Thanks
for reading;)
~jenn~
