So, its been many many hours since I have actually slept and days since i have actually eaten a real meal...my sis just made me eat a banana...but the jeans i couldn't comfortably fit i can now..hahah..anyways a certain someone convinced me to get a plenty of fish account...ahhaha let me tell you...funny stuff..i didn't put a pic up at first...i just wanted to look around bc i was bored and its funny seeing people you know on there and what they say..so then i added a few pics..and boom....those girls were blowing me up...some scarey...a couple really hot..ive only talk to 2 out of the 3000 that messaged me....(exaggeration btw) now I am not in to online dating at all and it scares me..but it keeps me busy. and well i need some confidence and cheering up right now...it was funny i was sitting with Jen and we noticed we got a message from the same girl....said the same thing..so we both responded with the same answer..yeah those are my perks these days..but it was comical. i refuse to date online or date right now..i mean how could I? i wont be ready for that until i survive 2012...as you can tell I am in better spirits today..moms appointment went well and the bad fall she had last night didn't effect any of her healing...it was scary though to come in a see your mom on the floor. and paramedics all around and the family...oh the family I am at a loss for words on whats going on...what ever happen to staying strong...protecting the ones you really love...people just piss that away don't they? I don't...i respect each person I love...maybe that comes from losing people I loved...but anyways...today was better.. minus a almost... i don't know what you call it, high school gay drama shit that my name was drug in to...classy. I guess ridiculous stuff like that..given my family stuff right now, just isn't important. Right now my concern is my mom and getting her to the health she needs to be...I don't care about dating...people who claim they love me...but show none of the signs...and just craziness! no time.i took my past break up bad...i mean what kind of asshole acts like they just don't care...well...eh..with all that's happened though its put some thoughts in my head to maybe i jumped the gun on some of the stuff .....blah enough about that..so i wanna take a second to say..My bud..Emily Rupar...left this house at 1am last night to be with me and help me carry my mom up several steps to where she is now...and sat with me..and was there for me when this all was just to much for me..i don't think i have ever cried like last night..to see my mom cry is to much for me at times..but yeah she drove all the way down to SC to make sure i was OK. That is a true friend...its been a long time...since Joy that Ive had someone who cared so much. Thank you. Joy is moved away now..and I miss her still. Making plans to visit her this Jan and I cant wait!

So anyways...i took a random test on this gay POF thing...and it ask me like a billion questions on everything and It kinda pegged me on what I seem to want with a relationship..and realized I have never found this..so maybe that's my problem..i don't think anyone exists out there...hahah anyways this was the results of the main test...

*Interdependence
Bottom line: you need someone who likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals.

*Intimacy
you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.

*Self-efficacy
you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.

*Relationship readiness
ou need someone who is not looking to be taken care of, but rather who is realistic about the hard work it takes to build and maintain a stable and satisfying relationship.

*Communication
you need someone who is eager to give, collect and discuss information with you patiently versus communicate with you on superficial levels out of convenience.

*Conflict resolution
you need a partner who is patient, a “big picture thinker” and can relinquish control and pride to make the best decisions for the good and growth of the relationship.

*Sexuality
you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous.

*Attitudes toward love
You need someone whose highest priority is your relationship and is willing to do the hard work to keep a transcendent level of love alive in the relationship.

*Preferred Expressions of Affection
This does not mean that you neither like nor need Verbal Communication. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just verbal expressions such as spontaneous compliments, frequent “I love you’s,” occasional notes for you to find and recognition of your achievements.

pretty much me. i guess. hahah as gay as it is..but i mean im gay...so yay! id like to find a real lesbian who doesnt believe in cheating and is pretty much awesome. so me? id like to date me. bwahahhahah ugh i need sleep...im gonna lay down before i meet some people out. i need to get my head away from reality for a bit...

thanks for reading and i offended you...well.as always...dont read..


~jenn~

Family

Things are about to change drastically in mine. Everything is falling it apart and I guess you just don't realize that things can change like this. Family is suppose to be the safe place and where anything changes. Not the case lately. Recently I witnessed. Michael, the "step dad" physically threaten my moms life. It was hard to step up and be there in all the cops and the drama and get my mom out of there which was hard because she had a knee replacement and she is not mobile. So it's been hard. I hate I don't have a stable place to take her right now bc I myself have lost everything I cared about. My brother is gonna drive down and take her to NY to
Settle her there and hopefully start a new life. This leaves a lot of ties open on other issues. My nephew who has one year left of high school. So I'm thinking of getting an apartment down in rock hill and making sure he finishes school and then making sure he does something with his life. I've had so many people help me and I want to
Help him. I was his age when my "step dad" pulled this shit and I moved out. And I've been on my own since.. It's been hard but it makes me a better person. I think the issues I have with just wanting stability come from a life of instability and insecurities. I might not make enough money to please certain people or dress great bc well I can't afford it. But I absolutely love who I've become because of all that's happened. Sometimes I wish I knew other people like me. This has been hard on everyone and me going through this break up because all I wanna do is run to her and hug her but i Can't. And with the present issues going on I just am going in a billion different directions on how I feel. It really really sucks! But I can get through this and succeed because it's who I am. And I'm lucky I am a strong person and I don't resort to drugs, drinking or any kind of addiction. To help me through. And good cry and I'm
Good to go again. Which I do frequently these days. Doing it right now but I'm at my sisters so I'm trying not to. Because my mom gets so upset bc of what I'm dealing with. This is like the saddest blog ever. I dont blame anyone for where I am.. I just wish some things were more important including myself sometimes... Love is worth so much more than all this crap and I fear I'm the only one that sees this... Sure this will all pass and have a positive outcome. But it's
Gonna be a hard year. Unless 2012 really happens..hahah ahhh one could dream.. Sorry. Laughter. I'm trying.

Well that's about it for this sad blog. I think instead of trying to text someone to talk to them I'm gonna just write and if anyone cares to talk to me about. They will. Today has been rough. Yes. Well this whole month. Not my favorite. Ud think it was September. That's my bad luck
Month. December was my good
Month. Not this year! Oh well we'll I'm gonna go. I'm on my phone and of course it's dying. I'm
Gonna go see someone who takes the pressure off and just chill... Sorry it's depressing.. But that's life?


~Jenn~

welp thats about it.

So I got moved in to my new temporary place, with Emily. She was nice enough to let me use a room until i got myself all sorted out. I really hate moving..but when I moved this time..I realized..I had nothing. haha and it was short and sweet..Which is kinda depressing if you think about it..The whole time at my house. I stressed on cleaning and where to store everything and realized...its not my stuff...none of it. I think its gonna be a long time before I acutally ever move in with someone I date..bc going through this twice now..I am so upset and lost and then I feel like..what am I sad about..If I was wanted then Id still be around them right? One day someone will want me..but I am in the mentality of why do I care if anyone wants me. And why am I am writing about it. No one cares anyways..She clearly doesn't really care that my hearts feels like its been ripped out. I knew she never wanted it to clearly work..i just have a hard time excepting it now. Its hard dating someone who was ur friend first. Because everyone knows everyone, and the fill you in on the things you never really wanted to know on what ur x's are doing. maybe i am super upset because im sick right now and alone in bed..or maybe its because its ok for someone to text me all their feelings but if i respond...its sorry Jenn have a good night gotta go get drunk! with her new what ever he is. Im sorry. I feel like i have to write to get it out. I know it will get better which is what everyone tells me..but its not to hard to ask for honesty. I guess the only things that drives me crazy with relationships is that people get so close....so quick then fall apart quicker...then try to save it..some of them try really hard...and some of them look for the next best thing and peace out...bc they think they found it. I am also dealing with a very traumatic experience with mom..and watching something i never wanted to see..i don't want to get in to detail..but she is moving soon and hopefully shell get better..all these bad things happen all at once..this time i am lost..I have no idea how im going to pull myself out of where I am. and it scares the hell out of me..I have always been on top of everything..I have lately surrounded my life around a person or persons..that just don't care about anything ...so now ive gotten slack. I need to fix this asap. more working...more keeping busy...and less worrying about someone who doesn't want a fucking thing to do with me. i know this and everyone in my life knows this..but i like to think that she was the one thing i could cling to for safety..dammit.

blah I am all over the place..i guess i have to stop worrying now..its not my problem. i hate what this is doing to me on the inside. and i cant stand how i feel...and for what...someone who dismisses me as soon as other people that are better for her to be around..bullshit. I deserve better..I am gonna stop worrying about her now.

I wish I could say why this went this way. I know now when someone promises u the world. They only mean Their world and everything bad in it and things they aren't willing to
Change. Compromise. I wrote it before. It doesn't exist. One person tries and the other is miserable bc they pretend to want to. I talked to a co worker tonight bc he has been with his bf for 9 years I think. He said they had their problems. But they respected each other so much they knew what the right choice was and that was for them to be together so they got through it. He said it was hard but his love for him meant more than anything. If only some people had that mentality. I did.. And I tried so hard. With everything in my life. But for what. To be alone all over again. While everyone else just doesn't care. It's upsetting. I care so much. But I guess I have to stop. I feel like I'll always be the girl everyone loves but no one really wants. Frustrating! Maybe I need to change everything about me. Maybe im
Doing something wrong. It cant possibly be possible to just keep having this much bad luck
Right? This is all gay.. All this Hurt and for what.. Someone who completely has forgotten me.

So.. This is harsh I get it. Get over it? I dunno.. I needed to write. Gnight...

~Jenn~

All good things...

Not sure where to go, Everybody I know, Says I'm too forgiving.
And now that I'm gone, I don't wanna move on, I just keep reliving....Lost inside of my head, Empty side of the bed, I feel this place without you.
I keep pushing the bruise, 'Cause I don't want to lose, What I love about you...love the weepies. Very smart people. I am finally writing bc things have overwhelmed me and I'm just sad. Number one goal. Don't cry while writing. So this week I've been at the hospital a lot with my mom.. She got a knee replacement and it's been super rough. I don't like seeing my mom in there. After losing my dad and seeing him for the last time in a hospital.. It weighs on your heart and mind. I'm literally shaking as I'm writing this. She seems to be doing fine. But she's in so much pain.. It hurts me so hard to see it.. So I just go and sit and be with her and if she wakes up I'm there so she can talk to me..teresa has been there too which is good. She got released today and is safely at home. I've been dealing with a lot of other issues... Sometimes I just wanna wrote about It then sometimes I get to sad and can't..

I remember first meeting up with u and taking a long walk.. Then inviting u over and sitting nervously beside each other... Where did they go? The two that feel so hard so fast for each other. It's sad. I know what I want... But im not sure it matters anymore..

This is by far the worst xmas eve ever! I'm sitting at home. Alone ... Been laying in the dark. Playing music... Messing on Facebook. Thinking of a billions things i could do... Wondering when everything got bad in my life and why.. I seem to be following a cycle
Not sure how to get out of.. I really just want to be happy.. I want such basic things in life.. But I literally have no idea how to obtain them

This does not feel like Xmas eve... My dogs aren't here.. The girl I'm in love with isn't here... My life isn't here anymore... I'm not ready to start a new one..it doesn't feel right. What is this pain in my body I'm feeling... It's horrible! What if instead of heartache u got like a foot ache. So when u lose the one u wanted for life.. Ur toe hurts. That's be interesting.. Always trying to make light of a situation. I truly hope things work out. Whatever they work out to be..Because this feeling isn't ok.. Maybe it's karma for something I did.. I can't think of what though.. Maybe it's just fate. Hate that word. But we all knew that. I've been writing this for three days now... And I cry each time.. It's getting better. I'm ready to skate again... We've been on break for the holidays And I need something to get me focused! We won the chocolate refuse grant that everyone so awesomely voted for! Thank you!! That's really exciting. Rumour has it I'll be making an appearance on the website saying we won! Well not me actually saying it hahah. Looking forward to our new season. Coming up this year! We have a new facility At break away sports! Pretty excited about it! Anyways. Gonna try and get some sleep.. Not been much possible.. I know santas not visiting tonight.. Sad. Waking up to no one or nothing on Xmas is sad. I don't care who u are. Breaks my heart... Anyways thanks for reading this silly sad blog.. It felt better to get some of it out. It's not. Pity party attempt.. I'm just sad. Gnight.

~Jenn~

DERBY!

check out derby blog! ~Jenn~

http://jenndphillips2.blogspot.com/2011/12/holiday-on-ice.html