for me to write another blog? yeah me too...whats taking me so long? I couldn't tell you..maybe its bc I am happy...or maybe to depressed to write...or maybe I am not sure so I cant actually write about the way I feel and I cant believe where I am right now..Im falling apart, but maybe falling in to the right spots..Ah! I like where I am , but wish things could be a lot different. I cant tell you how much thoughts and ideas I have wanted to put in a blog, now its all built up in my head..so this may be long.
I wanna first start off by saying I am dating someone new. I took a huge step giving who the person is and our past...But if you know me, I get past things really quickly. The girl I have decided to have the "unobtainable" me ( someone told me this once) is just plain amazing! I really dont know where I'd be without her, bc it just seems to make sense where I am with her. Already so comfortable I feel like ive been dating her for years..which is very rare for me to feel so comfortable around anyone. There have been obstacles..her parents...ridiculous drama that really doesnt have to involve us, but found its way in and was quickly shut down. eh, youll have that . Its silly. I'd be embarrassed if I actually got off on enjoying all that.
anyways. It baffles me on how some people can be when it comes to not loving or treating someone with care even if they are gay. It wont change. We arent going to go anywhere..Why do people feel it necessary to change us? And If i have to hear that we are going through a stage..one more time..I am 30...Im pretty certain there is no stage. I don't know. I want to get more heated and site specific details on this but I do not wanna disrespect anyone either. I do believe in order to get respect we must give it to those who are not comfortable with who we are. But still..I really have to many thoughts on all of this. I cant even continue writing about it. hahah
So I left Wags in the city...I had to move to Indian trail..for silly reasons..but I have always been the one to just pick up and move, to make sure everyone is comfortable...its actually starting to piss me off...how is this fair? I want stability to. I want a place I don't actually have to leave. I had that once...mistake leaving. I am super stressed about money. Where I live at the moment isnt convenient or gas friendly..but they were nice enough to give me a place when I Had nowhere..So i am very thankful..I am about to transfer Chilis. So Either Blakney or The Arboretum. Not sure yet. But it will be closer and I will hopefully work more shifts...bc I am not getting them at my Chilis. Which is Bull. But when ur not a favorite anymore...you'll get that treatment I guess. I have decided the reason I feel so blah is because I am so use to working..I wanna work a lot. I am a work-a-holic. I know this. It makes me feel alive..I hate being bored.
Gah have you ever looked at someones pic..and just wished you never met them...and it just really gets to you, that you let them in your life with all their terribleness? Im feeling that right about now..Its funny who twisted and crazy people can be...how they can just make things up and go with it...some of the people i know lie so much they actually believe what they are saying..
And the people who constantly bring me in the middle of things..nice.. I am all the way up in Indian Trail haven't gone out or done or seen anyone or anything..and I am still in the middle of it all...blows my effing mind. But I let it all go, so from now on anything I get from it...will be as simple as hitting the delete key and moving on.
Yeah it seems as soon as I am out of the stress bubble it opens back up. Money is a big thing right now...I have never felt what it feels to drown ...but I am getting it now..and I am not sure how to swim again. I got my taxes done but that wont even half cover what I owe..I cant tellyou the last ti me I went grocery shopping or actually ate a healthy meal. It rough. I always have the mentality that I will pull through that things will get better...I am on the thin line of not believing it this time...but I will keep on going...you never know what will happen:) Hence why I have no time for this Gay ass drama...Like I have real issues to worry about. Its a scary feeling drowning. But I save everything I can and only to pay bill after bill.
Things will look up soon. I am pretty thankful for every little thing I have, and I am smart enough to know I have to work harder for the things I need in life..I don't really want much..but there are things I actually need..so its a bit overwhelming.. But things will get brighter! Anyways...Now is the time, where I clean and organize my room to show I do have some control over my life...hahaha I have to wait for my lady love to get done doing hair..then I think we will hang out and do something...I always have fun with her..I like that about her..
ok so my mind has wondered and I am thinking about totally random things and I wanna move around...so yeah.....this is what stress does to me..so thanks for reading my jumble of words, I obviously need to wrote more so my head sorts it self out. So ill try and make that happen.
~Jenn~
