Again..

Started this jan 26th:
I tired writing a while ago...three hours of thinking and writing and saving...and oh yeah vanishing! I have no idea where it went..i am really upset and glad all at the same time. I am not sure if I am in the mood to write any right now..I thought I would start and maybe see where it gets me. I started the last blog...off with a song ...then transitioned in to talking about how dumb I was i didn't see what was going on behind my back...once a cheat always....yadda yadda...then I quick turn to who cares....she never was gay to begin with...to what I really want out of life...and how I pretty much think I am never meant to find it...to...being ok content with my life, because at least I am not living a lie. I have always and will always appreciate everything I have been giving or worked hard for..Would you work hard for what you want or live a lie to get what you want? Life is more than new clothes and purses and new cars...I look at it several ways..Live the life you can afford...who cares ur gonna die anyways...or make life count while ur here...ur gonna die anyways..hahah

Not that I am negative..I just keep meeting complete jerks...who build me up only to let me down again. Here is a thought assholes....if I'm not worth ur time...don't waste it on me..I'm pretty content with honesty..almost everyone i seem to come in contact with has a hard time telling me the truth...why is this? just fucking do it. I assure you ...you wouldn't be the first nor the last disappointment of my life. This isn't aimed at anyone one in specific...just people in my life as a whole...grow some balls...and try be honest with the person you have now. I am pretty sure I have taken the role of good luck chuck...if u saw this then you know...2 girls I really cared about are married now...well 3.. and so if you dated me....get ready! hahaha   no but in all seriousness..I am glad they are happy..but just remember...before you decide to string someone a long...remember they have real feelings too...not just you. They actually matter..And if it wasn't what you wanted...its was probably OK to tell them...instead of lying and just hurting them..think about it. some people are just so insensitive and selfish.

Ok So it's Feb 9th now.. Much has happened since my last entry. Derby is going great.. Which I need to write in the derby blog.. Life is ok. Confusion. Still the same. Haha but when isn't it. Lots of changes made around me. I miss my mom. Going to NY in march to see her. So I'm excited about that. I had a dream last night that I was in a plane crash. Maybe bc my brother called me about flights. And that always happen. Random things i talk about get stored in my brain and I dream later. Hahah sometimes the dream are better than others. So yeah I'm laying in bed. Very sore from practice. It's getting brutal. But I like it. My body is getting in better shape everyday.. I'm starting to have more stamina and I'm so glad. Bc shits hard. Again this derby blog stuff but it seems to be my life right now. life. Not the best. But that's ok. I've met some Kool girls.. But I just am so emotionally blocked that i come off like I don't care. Most girls like this. Which is
Dumb. But after what I have been through I'm just plain scared.

There's been this one girl. Ooooooh this girl. She drives me crazy! Thats all I can say. Like literally. Things should just happen but I'm not sure if it's
Smart. I'm so stuck in my own scared little world that I just need to move away. Start over. And live another life hahah. If only it were that easy. It's never easy. Unless u have no soul and u move through person to person. Relationship to relationship.. How can u leave someone u love and immediately jump into it with someone else. When this happens to u, u really question if they ever loved you. And if they did. When did they stop. And better yet. Why? Simple question. Why? Why do people hurt other people. Why do people choose unimportant things over a life they chose with someone. Crazy. I love love. I do. I want everything to be a fairy tale. I'm just not all dreamy about it. Ive always been one to stick it out. Roll with punches. And never leave u hanging out to dry. But that's me. And no one is like me. That is for damn sure. I care so much about everything I piss myself off! Hahah. I literally think to myself. Why do I do this. Why do I care. But it's who I am. Glad I was born this way.

Enough of the gayness.. So my new hang out is Wild Wing Cafe. I "live" there hahah I'm not always out drinking so when u read my post don't be like damn drunk at it again! I'm not one of those people. But I like my company. And they like me. Even when I don't drink. Which is refreshing bc I hate hanging out with a bunch of alchys who want me to be at their level. Annoying!!! I don't always like to feel drunk and since I don't have a DD at all times. I don't really wanna spend the night in jail. Man cops are bad now. Like everywhere! Terrifies me. And living near uptown they are always out.

So yeah I guess not to much has gone on with me. Just getting pass the life that put me in a whole and trying
To move on to better things. With a better self esteem and better outlook. It's going ok so far. That's about all I got. I actually have another blog
I've written but it will
Come later. Still working on that. My writing, if u didn't know, is all over the place. Like my head, and thoughts. Alright I'm passing out. Gnight. Thanks for reading!

~Jenn~

My days...

So life is going ok these days. Working. Paying off my debts slowly but surely and derby! Can't complain. Just laying here. After derby me and super Rupar headed to jacks... Her bartender was there but mine wasn't:-/ oh well I got to see Scott! That was Kool!! It's been good to just be chill.. Been seeing Beth a lot too.. Which confuses people. I get it. Me and her went through shit and neither one of us were very nice to each other.nor proud of what happened. But I moved past it and so has she.. And I'm woman enough to admit. I kept ditching our friendship bc my x gf's... But why did I!? They never stood by me.. She did. She's a good friend. And well we all know I'm not a grudge holder. I seem to always defend the wrong people.
Bullocks.. Anyways. So yeah. It's been nice to be in a positive environment. Even though friends of friends report my fb says I party and get drunk I'm excited to say I have only been intoxicated 3 times since I moved down here... Hahah long story. Dumb really. And I don't understand the relevance of fb stalking. I mean if u stalk that's kool.. We all have done it. But don't criticize people for stuff ... Or say oooooo guess what i saw on jenns fb! This is gay. And i Mean that as in dumb. But gay;)-

I enjoy fb. For derby and just fun times but geeeezus I wanna delete it. I can't delete all crooked people from me.. But it be nice if people left me alone. Or say... Wow Jenns doing well that girl has been through a lot.. And she still shines even though her heart seems sad. I mean. That's the truth. I miss my mom more than anything. It's funny 1234 always had. Special meaning to me.. 1234 was when my mom pulled away in that car to NY.. Scared me bc I always knew something would happen with that number.. Weird.

I talked to her for awhile today and they really want me to come up on st.patricks day! Any takers? I don't wanna go alone.. El, my bro, says its a sight to see then! And my nieces are begging me to come play hiding go seek again. 2 hours on thanksgiving I played that with them! Crazy! So other than that. Things are pretty normal... Sleeps getting better.. Derbys making me eat more... So yeah. Not sure what else to write. Derby beat me up tonight so I'm exhausted! Time to pass out!!!! Work week of craziness ahead!! Thanks for reading!

~Jenn~

Taking it a day at a time..

So it's like week 2 of the new life I guess u could call it. Things are actually going better than I thought. Derby is going amazing. Which I plan to insert a derby blog in after this;) so I'll write about that more there. The different moving situation is more normal than I thought it would be.. Meaning I tend to not sleep well without being complete settled in. I haven't unpacked a thing and I'm living out of my clothes hamper. Which is Kool. I don't mind. it's a small room but ive made it cozy.. I have my squishy pillow and my fan. I'm good to go!

I've been hanging out with Emily more which is good for me. She always wants to do something be it going out or laying and watching law and order and that's good bc it keeps my mind off life and the past. She's a good friend. We went to jacks and i totally made fun of her flirting with the bartender. She said she's never taking me out when she flirts with guys again. I told her to help me flirt with a girl. Bc I'm horrible at it hahaha. Never been good at it really. Gonna try and change that. I've realized that until I become completely 100% comfortable with myself I'll never be able to actually confidently have a good relationship. Bc I'm always gonna be overlooked and not noticed. And there will always be someone or something better.. And I'm tired of feeling that. I want to be the someone or something better. I'm not looking for anything from anyone. I wanna meet new people and focus on derby. Bc that is going really well for me.

Things for the most part are going better than planned. I always try to do something and keep myself busy. And working so much. I'm thankfully getting another shot at this golf course thing I found out tonight. Lelani is In charge of hiring so. She wants me there. Finger crossed. I tried a year ago almost and didn't do well. I dont interview well and they asked me what was my weakest thing about me or
Something I could change. I told them that I wish I interviewed better. They didn't think I was outgoing. Which if u know me. I totes am! Very! But I clam up in to a ball of nerves. Kinda like I do with the ladies which is why I bomb that too it seems hahah.

So wish me luck on that. That will be a full time high paying job and that's what I need! And I won't have time for bullshit and derby will be my gf;) anyways I'm gonna switch over and talk about that now so check out my derby blog listed in my profile over on the right! Thanks for reading;)

~Jenn~

So I have been working like a mad woman...I keep this up and I plan to get out of debt by the end of Jan. Thats my plan. Im caught up on the important stuff..and slowly trying to buy things i need to live...that i lost recently. Its a bitch sharing shit..and then all that changes...each day i get better and better about life..am I still lost..yeah. People sometimes handle it differently..some people move on and welll..yeah....and well some people like me...reflect and say. well this is what i did wrong...this is what i did right..and this is why I am glad im done. its funny how you think you could know for certain what you wanted and really think they did too...then it means nothing like literally the week later.perks of being a lesbian..or something like that..I need to date an older woman..ahaha. but what can you do..i realized i thought to much about wanting to be with someone..thats i lost myself all over again.annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyways.....DERBY! starts back tomorrow! new facility...all the girls! I am excited!!! I need that to be back around...i need that distraction...i need to work out..

I have been losing weight..im not really proud how...meaning not eating..I am going to maybe visit a doc soon to see about my anxiety..i refuse to wanna take pills..giving everyone around me seems to be addicted to something..i cant be that. someone at work told me to smoke pot...i don't think i could go there either..ive tried...but ewe..i cant get use to it. im worried about working out tomorrow..i really do try to eat...its just with all that went on...now my stomach is like Nope...sorry! hahah..sucks...well it doesn't really...im not big into food anyways...but i know i need it. im sure once i get settled and get comfortable i will change that pattern and try to eat. like for real. Tomorrow im gonna venture to the PUMA store bc I got a gift card...and I am getting some new shoes...I am so excited...Just gonna go ahead think my best for that;) working out in converse...just doesn't feel great. hahah. My plan with derby this year is to keep a better tab on my blog about the season as it happens...I haven't written in the derby blog for awhile...but i will change that...so all you creepers...follow me there too;)

anyways...i worked a double today straight through..made enough to make a car payment...chilis has been good to me the past 2 weeks..im not complaining..i needed it bc i am drowning ...but I am super tired...its 1:03 and I am prolly gonna be up till 5am again..anyways..im getting distracted by lindsey on FB..hahahah im done writing...peace out!


~JenN~