I cant seem to kill my assailants...

I really want to be so far away from all of everything right now. Today I passed and Old lady...sitting on the side of the street...with her walker, sunglasses and a sweater...just sitting there. I wanna be that care free..maybe shes not care free, maybe she is sick. Maybe she is in pain..but she looked peaceful. If you looked at me...I don't look peaceful. I am so uptight about a lot of things. I am really tired of my catch phrase being "well i enjoyed it while it lasted" because its really making me not really enjoy anything that may happen to me in the new future, because I expect it to fail. That's horrible..because if you knew me, you would know I am so positive and optimistic. Maybe its the rain today. Maybe its nothing. Maybe because everything good i had going is slowly fading...like that song Shimmer..maybe its because I cant seem to get rest. Maybe its because I am focusing on all the wrong things...maybe you guys are tired of reading this blog. haha

I am totally uptight and frustrated lately..im tired of sitting down and trying to write and someone always texting or needing me and asking something of me ....that's horrible isn't it. haha
I don't mind doing anything for anyone...sometimes I wish I did. I have tried to write this blog for a while now..and everything that come out of my mouth seem so not positive eh? This feeling reminds me of a song..which, yes i do like song lyrics....THAT much..this song..." I'm all out of love, all out of faith. I would give everything just for a taste. Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, I'm losing the best of me." I feel like that. Gay.

I feel like 2 different people right now..One I wanna just have fun...go with the flow...not really care about much and roll with the punches so to speak..the other...i want structure..stability...can i be both...seems difficulty and impossible. I focus a lot on skating and am so proud to be a part of that. But scared because what If i have to go working more and not getting to skate as much. As most of you have heard. I no longer work at the Hideaway...I can think of maybe like 2 or 3 people maybe happy about haha but ....lots of people miss me...and I miss them...and the money...I understand it was nothing I did..just Michelle wanted her job back.. I expected it...but losing that much money...has become a big problem for me...in just a short amount of time.

I am currently looking for another job, and whats sad is that I have 2 already...I literally have anxiety at the thought of not staying busy. I think its because I am so miserable at the thought of being bored...I am so happy when im working or skating..So yeah anyone know of any jobs opening up , let me know.

Ok well i can see this blog isn't going to get anywhere in a good direction and I have to get ready for practice. So ill leave it at this.. I hope my next blog will be a little more up beat..I really write this to just get it out...I don't expect comments or a "it'll get better jenn" i know it will. I am not clinically depressed or anything. I just get frustrated like anyone..I cant always be the cheery eyed girl you all know...But I am trying..


so yeah more later. thanks for reading.


~Jenn~

http://www.charlottesgotalot.com/default.asp?charlotte=168&objId=12630

http://www.charlottesgotalot.com/default.asp?charlotte=168&objId=12630

sorry I am

I'm sorry I didn't sound more excited on the phone. I'm sorry that after all these years I've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears. I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me. I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry I am....And I don't know what it is about you. I just know it's not what it was. I don't know why red fades before blue it just does and I don't know what it is about me that I just can't keep still. I keep thinking someday I will make this all up to you..and maybe someday I will. I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me. I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry I am...

You know what sux..more than anything in the world right now..I cant remember my dreams..Not one little second...I always remember my dreams. Its difficult for me...because I sleep to dream. Its the only good thing i get from sleeping and now I don't have that. beat up eh? haha I thought so. So this blog...well has no purpose...I dont think...by the end of that I may uncover more about me... who knows...so enjoy my newly found journey to self discovery possibly.. ha who knows.

So last night, i was cleaning some and found this picture I use to have hung up at the hideaway..


Makes me smile and sad all at the same time...things then were so fun and care free and different..i miss those days and should have never completely stopped doing what I was doing. I wasn't sure what i was actually trying to do, but it was fun and funny..hahah. ah good times.

I have no purpose for this blog..Other than I can think of a billion other places with certain people I would rather be with..and cant really do that...because it just isn't right at the moment...nor will it ever be i suppose. My "love" life has been one big emotional non existent roller coaster...that even I cant get a grip on at the moment...so there is no use in wasting words on describing it..other than...I wish i could have done that a whole lot different and would take most of it back. I don't regret much...but I do feel no so comfortable with choices I have made recently.. and to have gone without them wouldn't be so bad either. i can be so dumb. haha

you live you learn. that's not what i wanna focus on here...what do I wanna focus on...yes I wanna make a video..I'm thinking to something by The Spill Canvas...i have so many ideas and not enough people willing to be a part of it...or even the time to create it. I would do it myself but its hard to video and act and do it all, not impossible, just annoying..and I am not much for acting really...well kinda...not amazing...anyways ill think more on this..I need a better camera and soon a better computer..

Dec4th, is our first Bout!! Location:First Ward Recreation Center Time:4:00PM Saturday! So you guys need to come out and support us! I will not be playing in this one, bc I am still really new...but I will be there! Doing something! haha So yeah...come support us!! you can get tickets here...www.charlottespeeddemons.com. I am excited I actually get my picture taking soon and Ill be up on the site too..I really am so thankful to have met all these guys and girls involved...its pretty much the only thing I am really involved at the moment. they rock! And they got me boxing too...they are having a championship fight and keep joking that I need to be in it..i hit hard...but I don't wanna get hit.. hahah dork.

My hand is all swollen from the last training..I hit that bag hard, and wrist did something weird..Im been icing it today and taking it easy. I actually had a day off today and I did nothing..Beth needed my jeep so I just sat here..and played rock band on my phone..yeah i was dorky enough to buy the whole app for 10 bucks , but so worth it.

What else is new...I totally just went on a picture commenting rampage on face book. a.d.d much. hello...This blog obviously just cant get deep tonight...I am ok with that...deep usually, but not always means, something is bothering me...and well not much is right now...I mean it is..but I don't wanna talk about it...more later..

.La fille danse Quand elle joue avec moi Et je pense que je l'aime des fois Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc Quand on est ensemble Mettre les mots Sur la petite dodo...

gnight.


~JenN~

therapy for me..

david guetta memories feat kid cudi from Ginestet Loïc on Vimeo.

YES!!!!!

Im never alone, Im alone all the time...

Must be your skin that I'm sinkin in. Must be for real cause now I can feel and I didn't mind it's not my kind, its not my time to wonder why. Everything gone white and everything's grey. Now your here now you away. I don't want this remember that. I'll never forget where your at...I guess I started my blog off like this because of how I feel at the moment. Will I ever cheer up..things were good for a while..they aren't bad now..They are just....indifferent?

in·dif·fer·ent/inˈdif(ə)rənt/Adjective

1. Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned: "indifferent to foreign affairs"; "they all seemed indifferent rather than angry".

2. Neither good nor bad; mediocre: "attempts to distinguish between good, bad, and indifferent work"

My life is indifferent. I am back and forth about everything..what i want, what i don't want..What i want to want me back , and what I know i don't want to want me. the what is pertaining to jobs, girls, life, everything. Everything moves so fast, so its only natural when you are involved in something that is moving fast and then it suddenly wants to stop, its going to throw your whole world off balance right? Its going to mess your head up and cause you to stumble..Its ok to stumble..maybe not threw your whole life, but its ok..I stumbled. I fell hard...it stopped...im off kilter now. I don't pretend to be an amazing person. I am what you think I am. I am who I wanna be and no one...NO ONE will ever take that from me. But when you make me stumble...fall...Its big.

This is so big. Its the smallest thing and yet so big. I think I'm doing the right thing...I mean i really thought it was all right. I am cryptic for a reason. I don't know how I feel...Im never alone, I am alone all the time...a line from Glycerin...this blogs song of choice. This line stands out to me..because its how I feel. I am never alone, I have so many people, sooooo many that care...So many wanna be there for me...but I have never felt so alone..I don't expect anyone to understand whats happening to me...Because I don't even know. Not a effing clue. Opening a door that an X slammed in your face is hard...and I did.. i open wide up...and only one got to come in.And i took her all in. Breath by breath...wasn't gonna mess this up...not with her. Its all messed up now. Its all gone to crap in the course of a few weeks...no ones fault..well me being not good enough, then freaking out...but that's my outlook. I know no one will agree with my pity party there...NO i don't pity myself, ha i feel sorry for me. GET OVER IT right? I know! haha I fight with myself a lot. I really don't think I have it bad..I work really hard for everything I have..and everything I've lost.

I know I really don't need a girl in my life...but it is nice to have that one girl...you can see when you want...and she will want to hold you and be there...to talk or to kiss, or to wrestle with if you want...to look at me like I am amazing...or to punch me in the arm because i was a jerk haha. Someone who will understand that I have to lay in my bed at least once a day and listen to music..and not worry that I am mad or upset...but some people need to go smoke...i need a music break. haha best way to put it..I want someone who doesn't live in chaos. someone who will actually be happy when nothing is wrong, so many people have to always have something going on dramatic in their lives..it gets really old. Someone who doesn't assume the worst when your having a bad day..someone who will tell me they are having a bad day to look out..She wouldn't be afraid to call me on your bullshit...she wants to dance with me...I love to dance...ahhh I guess i could conjure up a fake person like on practical magic...I wonder if girls like that do exists?

I am more afraid of never opening up to ever let anyone like that in again. Man i talk about wanting someone in my life bad. What scarier wanting someone you who wants back or wanting someone you cant have? Life's little questions. I am so distracted right now..I have so much music on my computer and i am trying to listen to it all right now. hahah I love it.

I am getting tired...I need to take advantage of actually maybe wanting to sleep. Lots of things to vent about, ill prolly write a decent amount this week. because there are things I wanna do...and i wanna say to someone...and tell them....and no its a bad idea to even think about her the way I do...oh the tangled webs i weave...im scared its all just gonna blow up..but I cant help it. I feel like something has got to give..ok im so tired, this will be continued tomorrow night!!! Thanks for reading my whine fest 2010..ahah I'm such the baby...gnight..


Quote of the night

"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?

-Girl Interrupted-


~JenN~

Always the brides maid, never the bride..

This is my new saying..why. Lately I have felt like, whats the word..inadequate? Maybe..Second best...not the "it" kinda girl..haha take your pick..I mean I get told I am amazing..and pretty kool kinda girl...not that it matters, for once in my life I really don't want a girlfriend. Like I don't even crave it...Ive always been dating someone..never any single time...this time its different..Lately I have had a lot of me time...the people I started hanging out with recently..well...that's a story I don't wanna talk about..not bad, just I miss them..but...and Shane done went and got busy...Beth has a girl who is super sweet...but they are always doing something..so its been me and an iPhone full of music...working a bar somewhere, and skating...I walk around every where in a tshirt, hoodie, jeans, converse, sunglasses and headphones. That's my new style of choice..I don't care to dress up unless its a special occasion, I don't want to impress anyone..i don't care to..Not that I am giving up on myself...far from it. I think I am helping myself. I don't know how to explain it. So many thoughts going on in my head. I like to write...sometimes, i do think, shit...who reads this? They are gonna know all these thoughts in my head..But I like writing..I guess i don't have to make it public..but eh what the hey right?

I am in such a state of confusion at the moment..Everyday I think about taking angels offer and move to Cali..why am I scared...I have nothing really keeping me here...no substance, no one who is willing to actually love every hair on my head...maybe I should just go...I feel after a gun to my head ( not that i wanna keep using that) i just have a different train of thought now..I see the important things, and could give a shit about the dumb things...you just never know how long you have something or someone around...I find myself taking the time to enjoy every single thing and body around me. I am not out to shit talk anyone, or hurt anyone..I want everyone to be happy and comfortable..even it means I am not.. ahhh I am losing my train of thought..I do have derby and am becoming very comfortable with them all...and a couple i hang with now..and they are so much fun!! I am glad i decided to just got for it..not let anyone make me feel i couldn't do it...even though i went through some crazy stuff before i actually get in there...but I'm there now..and its amazing..

Chances, why do people take them? Are they a good thing, or a bad thing...why does it matter anyway? good questions...I have no idea where I am going with this, but if you are a reader of my mind and blog then you'll understand this jumping around...I have a such a thought process, it literally branches off like a huge tree...one thing always make me think of the next and i always think about what I'm gonna say before i say it which makes me think more... hahaha wow. anyways...i think that's all for now, I think I might actually be sleepy...I haven't really slept in while..I think I need to for real. I have so much in my head, and these thoughts need to either disappear or sleep or something...because I am getting tired of them..well gnight. everyone. thanks for reading..


~JenN~

i am no masterpiece at all...

Too bad you knew me. When I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Did I say, "Come and get me?"
Too bad I held on. When you tried to tell me.This was wrong. I am no masterpiece where innocence is painted green. Isn't it strange to think that you created all of me? Done by the hands of a broken artist. You painted black where my naked heart is. I finally know what wrong is.
Now I finally know what wrong is. Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking. On display through a soul still breaking. Aren't you proud you're the one that made me? You can't erase these. Lines you can't save me. You can't display me. You know what dismay means. I can't even try to. Remember what I knew. Before I became your. Model to claim no. I grew tired. You expired. You finished me. Now that I'm all that you planned. What do you think? Done by the hands of a broken artist. You painted black where my naked heart is. I finally know what wrong is. Now I finally know that you bleed for nothing. Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking. On display through a soul still breaking. Aren't you proud you're the one that made me? ~M&D

How I feel, put into a song..

a great song...and if you ever did this to anyone...um dont. k.beautiful dancing...i get kinda lost in it, and watching them...its so pretty...so is she..hahah

me and shane blast this and sing it atleast 5 times a day!

you live.... you learn..You choose ...you learn

Choices, something I am clearly not good at right now. But ill get better..This week, was def batter than last week, a gun to the head...bad luck all around...a coffee date with a not so amazing ending..but as the week progressed It got better..My weekend started off nicely..hanging with some new friends and work work work...which i obviously don't mind, its my effin life right now..maybe that's my down fall when it come to trying to have a relationship...eh. I gotta do what I gotta do..who knew.

So thata about it, haha i have absolutely nothing to write about..well i mean if you had told me 4 months ago that me and Abby would be bff's i would have called bullshit.. hahahahahah that's our new saying..that about it..OMG does my life suck this bad nothing to wrote about...maybe after a near death experience things die down for you for a bit...

maybe its bc im dranking the jungle juice and I am no where near focused..maybe its bc ash is dancing around my room half naked to G6...hahaha life is kinda simple..me and ash have an amazing friendship right now...where it needed to be;) I have decided to never date again...i think im sick of it actually..hahah makes me wanna puke really.. hahah.

i dunno, ok im done writing. sorry this was a waste of time to read...it will be better later...goodbye


jenn

Waiting for the rain to stop, destination beautiful...

I have literally looked at this blank screen for 45 mins..I don't know how to even write what happened, but it became a big thing and I cant tell the story verbally one more time, so why not write about it. My Sunday started off like most of them. I skipped out on Derby conditioning bc I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't leave work Sat night until 430ish..I was so exhausted. I know having three jobs is responsible, but my body is slowing down. Not to mention Derby too. but that actually makes me feel good. The boxing did wonders for me, and I cant wait to do it more. Last night however I skipped boxing...now back to Sunday. I woke up and pretty much ad nothing to do. So I text Alex, she wanted me to come up to Cornelius, so I headed up around 430..we met at Starbucks and of course I got a Hazelnut frap. the only coffee i drink ever. we sat on a park bench until about 830 talking about anything you could think of. She and I have always been good at lots of talking. Then as we are heading to go back to Starbucks she sees some of her friends which turn in to hanging out there and then we got invited to see Jackass 3D, which by the way was so funny. So about 1030 we head to do that. I wanted to Hang with Abby so after that we drove further up to mooresville and hung out at Big Als with Abby and Morgan.



The night was a great night, stress free and just fun. About 230 we left Big Als and Alex and I headed back down to her neck of the woods to grab my car..we then sat until about 345am talking in the parking lot again about everything. Even had a cop come by To "check"on us. So i was like ok i need to go, its late as heck...so I got in my car and left. I got to my apartment at about 440 am..and thats when it happened..



I saw young black boy walking past me..as I tried to find somewhere to park. I found a space and grabbed all my stuff. I get out of the car and there he is..standing there looking at me. He says, " i need use your phone." I was a little scared but thought, eh maybe its nothing bad. I gave him my phone, thinking ok if he means harm take the effing phone and run...leave me alone. He then said" I got left here i need a ride or i need money." I then thought shit. ok I can say no and walk away then he follows me..or finds out where I live. I didn't wanna put Beth in danger. I said "ok. are you going to try to hurt me?" he just looked at me. He walked to the side of my car and started to get in. I said ok maybe he just needs a ride, either way im fucked right now...so i get in the car...he tells me to go a certain way and I listen. We end up on Choyce Ave somewhere off nations ford, in a very bad neighborhood, and i thought to myself...is this how im going to die? In this disgusting place..with this fuck face..I am not gonna let some 20 year old delinquent take my life from me..He told me to stop that this is where he lived...and then it happened...he pulled a black pistol with a laser on it and pointed it at me..



He asked me to give him everything , my car, keys,phone and money. I looked at him and the first thing out of my mouth was " are you fucking serious? NO!" Probably not the best response, then he pointed it at my head right on my right temple and said "please dont make me shoot you." I talked to him, tried to reason with him, told him I wasn't going to give him anything and it became a shouting match..i put my car in drive...he then pointed his gun to my floor board and shot my car...the bullet hole is a very creepy reminder...I am not sure even right now, why I didn't comply...In my head...and I don't mean this in any disrespect...but I just had to rebuild my life..I had everything I worked hard for taking from me at the drop of a dime...and I snapped on him...I was fuck no you're not getting a damn thing from me, I have worked to hard for my money and that car and that phone. Now if you know me, you know I do not give a shit about materialistic things at all. But it was the fact of everything I have been through in the past 6 months.. I was like FUCK NO! this is not happening, I know I have insurance and could replace anything I have. But I wasn't going to give in to anyone...so in a way that fueled that fire I gave him.



I told him over and over he didn't have to do this, i would give him money, that I understand where he has been and I get it, but he wasn't getting anything of mine. I also spoke of the GPS built in my car, i told him he wouldn't make it far. He said ok well give me money, he grabbed my makeup bag from the backseat and emptied it out and then popped open my glove box, the whole time holding the gun at me...then he pointed it at my leg and said Please dnt make me shoot you.( i thought shit if he shoots i cant sakte..???)..I said, And i don't know why, "you're not going to shoot me.".I told him I am sure he was better than this..I said " ok if you need money ill give it to you" i asked him to step out of the car and I would give it to him, he was like you better or ill fucking kill you...I had about 60 or 70 in my wallet...I took out 12...and he slowly got out of my car...i threw the money in his face and stepped on the gas..the door slammed on his hand and I took off, I then was like fuck this. He isnt going to get away with this...I slammed on the breaks and whipped my car around. And gunned my car towards at him, he jumped in a yard then ran through a another yard, I then got in front of him and he chased me, i wanted him to chase me while i was on the phone with 911. He chased me for a few then the cops came, he jumped in the bushes and got away..



Talking to the cops was fun and interesting..i was so terrified of what kinda guts i just had and the cops didn't understand it. They even had the nerve to suggest I had him in that neighborhood bc it was a good place to buy drugs, hahaha I laughed. I was like if you people knew who I was and how i felt about that you'd slap yourself..I gave him a ride bc he scared the shit out of me. I get it, it was dumb! But It happened for a reason, if i hadn't let him in my car, then he prolly would have just shot me at my complex..So I regret nothing..



I had to wait for the CSI people to get into my car..and look and photograph everything and the bullet is still in my car...so that's kinda disturbing, they told me they would have to destroy my car and floor board to get , but they got the shell casing. I finally get home at 7 am, been up for 20 hours at this point..and I wake Beth up. Which she freaks out a lot. Tell her the story. I get a call from the police, said they found a young black man breaking in cars off arrowood at Ruby Tuesdays...ask me to come identify him. It was him, they found the gun on him too...he shot another car..and yeah. What a dumb fuck. But they got him...now what? I have no idea...Ill find out I guess.



The apartment management wants to move us out and get us another place, we watched the footage of him sneaking in the gated area...and stealing someones bike before he gets to me..they wanna give me a apartment with a garage...They weren't responsible for what happened but they still wanna help. which is awesome.



So why did I do what I did..I had a ton of things that went through my mind..My past life...things I had, people I have loved...It does flash before your eyes...that is true..Someone wanted me around..somehwere...so I am still here..I am still struggling with myself why I fought back..Why I literally looked at something right in the face that could have possibly killed me and I just didn't care...I kept thinking I went through all these scenarios when I was in the Military of what do do if being held at gun point...I wanted to hit it out of his hand, punch him kick him...but I just wanted to talk...and calm him down...let him know it will get better if he wanted it to...and it saved my life..I feel like its a dream..



I have a had some flash backs I guess you could say..It just pops in my head and I cant concentrate, i thought about it all today..I don't know if it made me stronger or broke me down more...But yeah that's pretty much it. I wanted to share this with you, to let you know it can happen anytime anywhere...and there is nothing you can do about it..well to a point. I got lucky, i don't deny that. Finally Luck right? ha...but be safe and don't walk around alone at 5 in the morning..not a good idea..So anyways thanks for all the calls and texts and messages and everything...I feel lucky to know so many good people in my life.



this experience and has put more in prospective for me. I guess I always have known whats important in life and I have never taking anyone or anything for granted, but maybe those of you who do...maybe you shouldn't..just a thought..



thanks for reading..



~Jenn~

Forget everyone who's jaded cuz they dont matter and I dont care...

Tonight. I settled in a hot bath. Lit a candle and listened to absolutely nothing. No text message rings, though some I do not mind. No screaming x girlfriends fighting...no OMG listen to this or Jenn do this Jenn do that. Or tv...no noises..just me and myself. With a glass of Mascato. I have determined that until I can get to where I can sleep again, a glass of wine seems to do the trick. I mean not saying to much it is almost 130am and I am still up. But this is progress. I don't stay up partying or hanging out. My brain is on a one way track to chaos at the moment. There is so much going on around me. Be it someone sneaking in my complex and stabbing them selves, to someone creating a phoney facebook to try and prove something or someone running their mouth just trying to hurt people... This blows my mind. People, girls wonder why the gay community is looked down on...I know yeah yeah str8 people do it to...so. Lets not?!
I am trying to move on with my life. No more sabotages of my life please. No more omg she looked me like this Jenn or Jenn she said this about her and him...and I DONT CARE. I am exactly where I need to be, I got here by listening to me. Trusting me. Knowing my gut feelings are always right. I just feel good. I like this girl. She seems to be just so...nice. Even though she admits to being mean sometimes...I think her forwardness is extremely attractive. And the way it feels when she kisses me. Its nice. I cant say where it will go...but we both are just focused on right now. I think neither one of us really wanna know where a future lies with us. Where I wanna see her so much...its nice to not have a flood of attention either...it keeps up both real. She truly is someone I can just be around and not worry about having a serious conversation all the time. Someone who will sit and watch a movie with me..and I look over and catch her staring at me. And I have been made to feel so much in the past, taking for granted, but she seems to soke every little bit of me up. Even if it just amounts to a friendship she cares. Its really nice. We have been on a few dates...which were extremely interesting and stories we could start off like you wouldn't believe this just happened but...hahah. Its only been a few weeks since we really stared hanging out..but I enjoy every second of it.
Another amazing part of my life is Derby, those girls have been so amazing and helpful and they invite me to do so much with them, and they are whipping me in to shape..i love it. I started Boxing with them too...That will work parts of ur body out that u didnt know existed. I am so sore from head to toe. Our trainer asked if I ever boxed before bc i hit hard...hahah made mee smile..you dont wanna mess with the likes of me. hahah jkjk But yeah thats going amazing. Other than all that work, is going good...still working hard, dont have time to do much other if imnot working I'm doing something derby related. and I am just happy..I get to focus on me...because i lost her for so long...I am really hoping someone likes who I am...and wont want a damn thing to change about me, bc this is who they fell in love with anyways...wishful thinking..
well I am going to bed...Shooting Nascar stuff and dog walking tomorrow, then to the hideaway to bartend. Really long day. as always thanks for reading...comment below...talk to me!


~Jenn~

I dont need a filter when I write on my blog.

I think I am tired of a lot of stuff. Sometimes I wonder is worth writing about..I enjoy writing..why? I haven't figured it out yet. But I do..sometimes it leads to a lot of random um yeahs and anyways...sometimes it leads to feelings I have...I...ME...MY THOUGHTS! not yours ( you not being anyone in particular) I shouldn't even have to say that ...if you read anything I write and think its about you...good or bad...and you don't like it...well then you must be guilty of it..Like when someone steals something and someone says something about it, the person guilty automatically looks down or starts blaming people...that's a fact people! I don't make this shit up!
Enough of that analyzing stuff. Which I told I do to much. But I don't wanna waste my time on something that will in the end hurt me, I am not interested in being hurt...I know oooo pity party, I cant change the fact that I'm hurt. I cant change the fact I didn't feel good, it doesn't feel good. At all, be it my fault or someone else's...I am trying to fix why it was or wasn't a direct cause of something I did or what someone else did..I know the signs, And now that I'm starting life fresh. I am going to pay very close attention to all these signs...
I am not interested In having a relationship right now...I cant just go from a whole life to another that fast...It doesn't feel good to me...I was trying to work on something...I do care...But its to up and down and to much....So I stopped it. I had to.
I am moving on, which it what I should have done from the start...I have never been good at chasing girls, when you decide it wont work, as much as it might hurt, I just stop...doesn't mean I didn't care, doesn't mean I don't still love you...just means I respect everything...Girls like to be chased...either you want it or not, I never got why girls cant just admit there feelings...I mean Ive gone from disliking someone to being in love to not caring for them...and vice versa, and I am ok with expressing this. I am not interested in being led on..or leading anyone on. eh beating a dead horse really..ewwe..hahah

On a better note..I have some new people, and I enjoy my new 330am breakfast at Dennys in rock hill after bar tending..didn't get home till 530 this Friday and back up for pride, with some new people I like a lot and my boyfriend Shane GaGa..hahah dork. We didn't stay long bc I had to work, which is also the other if not the only story of my life. Its going good, but it is taking a tole on my body...work all day and night and roller derby the nights im am off...its gonna be a tough ride...but rewarding, bc I need this. I am learning alot of derby stuff and getting to know everyone..its so nice. We went on a 4 mile hike early this morning. Everyone brought their dogs, it was just good fun and great work out...over 9000 steps and 500 calories!

This sat I am going to Ren Festival! I am excited! Taking somebody i think is pretty koo! That's all I am saying..and Tim and Hopefully Shane gaga ooo and Allen!! so yeah...YAY but then i have to work...yuck...

SO..I think I got to much going on in this brain im gonna call it a night..gnight...

~Jenn~

The Space between, the wicked lies.

The Space Between,Where you're smiling high. The bullets in our firefight. Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you, The rain that falls, Splash in your heart. Ran like sadness down the window into your room..I feel sick. I do not care for it. I don't know if its because of all the working, or the stress, or both. When I get super stressed out I tend to catch a cold or something. . Ugh I hate it. My body collapses under stress, I thought I was doing a great job at just being happy. Hell I have been working so much for stuff that I kinda lost, so it felt good to get it all back and then some..but I am just sad sometimes I guess..
I hate that anyone can get to me, and that some people love actually knowing they get to you..its not a good thing and its not OK. I am surrounded by girls who love to be treated like shit. They will ditch you for a douche canoe, even when you try so hard to make them smile, they run to that person that ultimately makes them miserable in the end.. Why do you think girls do this? I mean I care about people up until they hurt me, or do something stupid like leave you for someone, or hurt you, or lie, etc...But As soon as that happens, I cut ties, I still care about them. But I am done with them. Because in the end you'll lose your self..that's not OK in my book.
I have decided i will probably never find that "one".. sure Ill have people tell me i love you forever.... Its funny now i silly i must have looked...with all the girls I let in..i know you cant control your feelings...but it is OK for you to tell that person, look...this prolly wont be forever...or if ur not sure don't say forever..its a horrible word.. because forever seems like the shortest amount of time to me. PS this blog reflects a current situation not to misunderstood from anything in the past...I dont know how much more i can be clear on this...
Anyways, That's about all I got, I don't even know where I am going with this, I am just so bothered by so much and so much drama and lying going on, I just don't understand...I am glad to work so much, so I don't expose myself to it anymore..I need a lot of new people in my life...and I have met a few, so I am excited to see where this goes...I need to look forward, I saw on someones face book....you need to look out the windshield, not ur rear view mirror...I'm thinking California more and more now. Bc I wanna be something I was born to be...

OK i need sleep, sickness will not go away with no sleep. thanks for reading. gnight!

~jenn~

song of my night...part 2 to happiness..

I don't know where to start Say I'm tired or throw a party These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways I don't like it.It's good to be in love. It really does suit you Just like everything. I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do. I'm adoring you.It's all good.You're so beautiful.I'm black and blue all over.You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.I don't like it It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you Just like everything. I'm happy you're in love, 'Cause every colour goes where you do. I feel so powerless I've got to stop it somehow oh come on, what can I do? Why's it happening?How's it happening without me? Why's it happening?How's it happening that she feels without me? It's good to be in love. It really does suit you Just like everything. I'm happy you're in love, 'Cause every colour goes where you do.
'Cause every colour goes where you do...

ah i love frou frou, been in the mood all day for it! Ps this song does not directly relate to anyone out there hahah people always ask me, um what does that song mean...hahah I just cant get it out of my head...and this is my blog..so ill write what i want!

~jenN~

theres is another new one right below this!!vvv

happiness.. is a mat outside my doorway....

So this is a tough time of the year for me, always is around this time. No matter what happens this certain time always feels the same when I lost him. But i get by , by thinking he'd be proud. I might not be this great thing. But he taught me to respect people. and I do. even if i dont want to :/ So yeah. This is just a little note to say I miss you. i love you!


Ive been working so hard, up everyday outside walking and walking and sweating and running and then to the bar to sweat and deal with that..its rewarding though. I got a new well 2003 Jeep Liberty! That I intend on keeping until next year, then I'm trading that in for my wrangler;) That's what My financial adviser aka Sean aka the chew ninga master 5000 says to do!! haha anyways that's what I plan to do! But this involves mucho work, but I have this whole budget worked out and its looking pretty good!
oh yeah I also don't have my phone anymore, but no worries! soon. I want the new iPhone, ive been spoiled but i don't need a cell phone right now. Its not a necessity pretty much..so eh...and i don't wanna spend money on it just yet..so face booking me will be ur best bet, not that I am ever at home to actually check it. haha
I am sitting here, half naked drinking a beer alone...this is happiness i tell you what. I need to go shower, after walking three dogs, a 2 mile run with one of them and a night bar shift. I need to relaaaaaax! and all again tomorrow! Except ill be heading to the hideaway to talk to mac, but i already talked about that. so anyways. I'm also thinking before that maybe El Cancun to suck down a margarita for old time sake;) yes sounds perfect. Ok well I am going to shower, drink down this nice cold beer and hit the hay..alone....comfy! Gnight!


~Jenn~

When life hands you a big ol sour nasty lemon..

You make some amazing lemonade! That is just what I did, I saved up some money, and I effing bought a car! I am pretty excited! Monday today, will be a day I remember. I got my new bank account/visa card, so i can get money out of my count that ive been depositing, i got my insurance papers, so now i can Legally skate for RCRD! I got approved to buy a car! This is huge;)
By Nature I keep thinking, uh oh whats gonna go wrong now...but I cant think like that. I am definitely busy. I am working for Wags in the city by day, bar tending at night, and Mac wants me to work down at the hideaway to, so Thursday Ill be going down to talk to him, nothing Def yet. But we will see. I don't really hang out there anymore, but working could be kool! And I seem to just be working a lot, well bc that's all I got going on right now. Trying to be that responsible girl that so little people think I am. I am glad I am where I am now. I have so many people to thank for that.
Everyone in my life has impacted me in someway and I sometimes feel I need to let them know. Things have gone good and bad in my life, but I have always grown more as a person with each person I have come in contact with or befriended or dated..I wanna take time to thank everyone...Beth. Me and you have been through a lot...you've pissed me off, I've pissed you off, but we always had the connection I know I never forgot about you and even now. me and you being where we are, seems to cause a lot of gossip and weirdness, but i like that we just stick to ourselves and stay out of it. And now whatever it is that we are building together is so great in my eyes but so scary and I'm just glad we both want the same things in life right now.... Shay, you made me a better person. We didn't work. but we were great when we were great. things went south bad and fast and I am sorry I tried so hard to make us kool... I am so happy ur happy now. Not that approval is needed. Without you I wouldn't be where I am today. so thank you. Randy for always being there for me, even though you pissed shay off and things got bad, eh stuff happens, one day we will all look back and laugh..but for what you and ur dad did for me too;) and Joy. For being the single most consistent thing in my life. And no matter what. Being there.
I have had a lot of people come back into my life, Sam, Shane, Ashley, its nice. Chelsey (aboot time i spelled it right eh?) and Chewy, who worked his magic to get me this car.And to Kyle and Logan who i met at chilis one fine day and they turned out to be amazing guys who are into to film and go to Art Inst. They are doing a doc on gay community and want my help hosting it and editing..so that would rock!And Ramon who got me the job shooting for Nascar!! this weekend..on top of a packed work schedule I am gonna take that one full force!!.I just really needed some good people in my life. Not that I didn't before, I just sheltered myself off and stayed at home all the time. I was happy doing that, but i understand I got boring and I got fat .hahah. But not now, I cant fit a damn thing i own.. But its nice, i feel good.
I am taking life day by day, bc I know that no matter how much you think you have control over it can all be taking away from you in a second. And that is a scary thing. So now, i have all this stuff i need to do...so day by day I will work to achieve this. I will not stress and take it out on anyone, I will just work really hard to make it all mine :)


So dog walking...can I just say it truly is amazing that I get to spend the days outside and not really dealing with people just cute well behaved dogs! Its nice, i go to all the same dogs everyday and I have gotten a bit attached to them. I do mostly dogs in south park area and near there..its just nice. Beth saved me when she let me work for her, bc if i had to deal with waiting on people anymore everyday all day I was gonna for real scream or sooooomething! So...yeah. I guess i wanted to share my good luck...good luck....ahh after the last blog I wrote I thought I was going crazy or something bc all the insane that happened...but I feel its all gonna be ok now. So yeah thanks to everyone that made it all possible and stuff and stuff. Well I am gonna go to bed now...bc my work schedule this coming week makes me wanna crawl in a corner and cry. hahah jk Im excited!!

Thanks for reading!

~Jenn~

Luck of the irish....

Does this mean bad luck or good luck? Ha "if it werent for bad luck i would have no luck at all" right? Exactly. This week has been nothing but bad luck...I guess it happens to everyone, maybe not. But I for one second thought....I feel like this is all getting set up. It was that damn hippy witch..i tell ya. imagine....

...ok fade up from black to a scene of me and Beth walking into the Home economics store...a cute little hippy store near down town Charlotte..we are killing time before meeting another co-worker for some house keys...this weekend was a busy weekend for us bc all the dog owners were out of town.. Well they have a whole section dedicated to Granola and trail mix, and if you know me, this made me ridiculously happy! So we are picking me out a little of this and a little of that. Beth grabs a label to tape the bag and we are on our way...walking through isles and saying oh i want this and that...right before we leave we come across a lady doing like Quantum touch and pressure points on the toes and feet...

Beth is like ooo so we stop and start to talk....we tell her we need to go bc we were only there for a small amount of time and needed to go...she continues to talk...very bossy...hippy but weird...touching us and showing us how to do all this stuff. While she is touching Beth, Beth gets sick out of nowhere...then her phone disappears...literally...then we search the store over and over calling it, digging through her car and the store..freaking out...that lady was trying to help us but wouldn't let us leave...

I feel like she cursed us, I then finally posted up on facebook we need a new phone bc Beth lost hers or the vanishing witch act..hahah but we needed it asap bc with out her phone shes lost bc of her business, its all down here from here....we have mishaps with some stuff, im not writing about...i get pulled over for driving to slow???!!! and expired tag i didn't realize was expired hahah huge ticket, i haven't been pulled since high school!!! Um last night, we had an issue, that involved lots of not good things, cops and taser guns...(not us) just someone who snuck in and came over with not good intentions, im just freaking out, like i feel this lady cursed us. haha. I totally believe in that too. but why?

That lady said I had good energy hahah and told Beth to keep me around. haha such a weird labor day weekend...Beth told me next labor day we will look back and say hey remember last labor day? I hope so. I hope it only gets better from here... I really thought that after Shay took my car from me, that would be the last run of bad luck that could possibly happen to me for right now. And man has it been hard on me since that happened, but feels good to not have anyone have that control of threat anymore. Like I live for me now, no matter if I do good, or make a mistake I will not worry about getting a text of threat. Its nice, in all my years of bad relationships though, I have never threatened anyone. It wasn't me letting them walk over me..I just know the difference between right and wrong. But some people are good at hitting below the belt. Eh, chalk it up to lessons learned, NEVER let anyone give you something, but make you keep it in their name...never!

Its happened to me before, and I cant believe i fell for it again. ah in the past, dead and gone. I have a bud who is meeting me at the chili pepper today, who is going out of his way to try and get me a car at his dealership...though, my new goal is saving everything i make bc i really want that wrangler Ive been dreaming of since, um i dunno, birth!!! So who knows?! a yellow and black one! A guy at my complex has one...its huge mud tired huge lift, lights b-e-a-utiful!!!

who knows, anyways gotta go, bar-tending calls me! Its been so fun latley only working the good shifts up there, the moeny has been excellent! and Tuesdays literally consist of half a bar of people who come to see me!! I almost lost some of them, they told me they came by and left bc my Volvo wasn't there, but they are all aware now.. haha. it makes ya feel good to have people who enjoy ur company that they come to work to hang with you;) ok well thats all for now.

Pray this bad luck just stops! for real! cuz daaazam!


~Jenn~

Someone once wrote this about me...

It seemed interesting, so I thought Id repost it...



Who is Jennifer Dawn Phillips?

Someone that carries themselves in the most positive way possibly. Someone that knows the meaning of negative, but chooses not to acknowledge it. Someone that doesn't ask for respect..but recieves an immense amount of it.. Someone who's door is always open.. Someone who will give and help and never, ever ask for anything in return..but what makes you "you"..is the fact that you never expect anything, you do good because it's what you believe in.. it's not to be cool..or to be liked..it's because it is naturally part of who you are..Your someone that has loved, been loved..gotten hurt..came out of it on top.. You're a listener..a watcher..you observe and take note to the people around you..their actions..you are genuine...you are honest..even if its not the best thing to say at that certain time.. you have the courage to do it..because you say what you believe in..regardless of the reprecussions..your one of a kind..you love music..all types of music..but you don't listen to much hip hop on your own time. your someone that has seen blue october numerous times..and your the someone that thinks tori amos is a bitch to her fans. Your also someone that thoroughly enjoyed the macoroni bites..and you think jack in the box mad a lame decision... hmm.. your someone that refers to carowinds as a dirty whore of an ex. you think fighting is redneck.. .. your someone that has the ability to say whats going through your head..something that a lot of people should be jealous of..because it's difficult to put it out there. your someone that is okay with themselves..your someone that gets "hey u look like Brittany" you can rock a backwards hat..your loyal..very loyal.. and trustworthy..you wont betray someone for a quick laugh..when people confide in you, you take pride in that..and from that pride..you keep whatever it is that they need to get off their chest, to yourself. But you are also capable of beating a bitch ..if a bitch were to ever cross a line.. you stand up for the people you care about.. because you know those people will always be there for you.. your someone that can have a blast just lip sinking to the spice girls..and if there's some beer you may even just say screw the lip sinking and start belting it out like its your job. You don't let people's judgments bother you.. but you wouldnt want a close friend upset with you.. you know the difference between what's important and what's not. You are someone that covers their eyes when you sleep.. and your someone that just wants to go to the fucking beach.. you like sugar babies..and mini sirloin burgers.. you like the roller derby girls...your also someone that will put up with a lot of BULL SHIT.. and NO..it's not because you don't have the balls to stand up for yourself.. it's because you like to help people, and be there for them.. and half the time you get dicked over its when your helping someone.. so part of you is frustrated..but the other part..still wants to help them..and thats something you believe in..and like i said.. you are someone that stands up for what you believe in.. so it's not that you dont stand up for yourself..it's that your torn..and your thinking about the pros and cons.. your someone that is very hard to push over the edge.. and your someone that's reading this and like g.d. this is random..and long..so..these are just some of the attributes that make you who u are.. just certain characteristics that are a part of you.. All in all.. who is Jennifer Dawn Phillips...Jennifer Dawn Phillips. a.k.a. (you are you) and you fucking rock it.
You are also someone that just wants people to take of their mother fuckin shoes once they walk thru that mother fuckin door.



If you didnt know anything about me. that pretty much hit the nail in the head...


gnight.


~Jenn~

Crazazy!

So how are things? Things are pretty effing swell! Other than the fact that my body is literally bruised from head to toe and I cant seem to move my muscles...pudding wrestling you see. At Hartigans. I got called out and begged to do it...so i said what the hey! ill do it! Got some video of it...and it was amazing, and crazy and silly. And Me! Life seems fun again...doing a lot of stuff, working a lot, and enjoying free time.
Although I have been going to random places and doing random things...tonight...i shall sit in my room and pig out with the roomie and watch Veronica Mars, bc I got her addicted it and its super good! If anyone has netflix, go there and watch it. All three seasons are up and its awesome.
So anyways, last night I went to Winston-Salem. First time! Hope it wont be the last! I had so much fun there. Nice wedding, awesome reception. Open Bar :)~ Nice! Anyways...lotta crazy stuff took place..but in a good way. And I enjoyed it!!!
But now I need rest bc we have been doing dog stuff all day and I am so tired!!! So thanks for reading, and as always...more later...



~Jenn~