I really want to be so far away from all of everything right now. Today I passed and Old lady...sitting on the side of the street...with her walker, sunglasses and a sweater...just sitting there. I wanna be that care free..maybe shes not care free, maybe she is sick. Maybe she is in pain..but she looked peaceful. If you looked at me...I don't look peaceful. I am so uptight about a lot of things. I am really tired of my catch phrase being "well i enjoyed it while it lasted" because its really making me not really enjoy anything that may happen to me in the new future, because I expect it to fail. That's horrible..because if you knew me, you would know I am so positive and optimistic. Maybe its the rain today. Maybe its nothing. Maybe because everything good i had going is slowly fading...like that song Shimmer..maybe its because I cant seem to get rest. Maybe its because I am focusing on all the wrong things...maybe you guys are tired of reading this blog. haha
I am totally uptight and frustrated lately..im tired of sitting down and trying to write and someone always texting or needing me and asking something of me ....that's horrible isn't it. haha
I don't mind doing anything for anyone...sometimes I wish I did. I have tried to write this blog for a while now..and everything that come out of my mouth seem so not positive eh? This feeling reminds me of a song..which, yes i do like song lyrics....THAT much..this song..." I'm all out of love, all out of faith. I would give everything just for a taste. Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, I'm losing the best of me." I feel like that. Gay.
I feel like 2 different people right now..One I wanna just have fun...go with the flow...not really care about much and roll with the punches so to speak..the other...i want structure..stability...can i be both...seems difficulty and impossible. I focus a lot on skating and am so proud to be a part of that. But scared because what If i have to go working more and not getting to skate as much. As most of you have heard. I no longer work at the Hideaway...I can think of maybe like 2 or 3 people maybe happy about haha but ....lots of people miss me...and I miss them...and the money...I understand it was nothing I did..just Michelle wanted her job back.. I expected it...but losing that much money...has become a big problem for me...in just a short amount of time.
I am currently looking for another job, and whats sad is that I have 2 already...I literally have anxiety at the thought of not staying busy. I think its because I am so miserable at the thought of being bored...I am so happy when im working or skating..So yeah anyone know of any jobs opening up , let me know.
Ok well i can see this blog isn't going to get anywhere in a good direction and I have to get ready for practice. So ill leave it at this.. I hope my next blog will be a little more up beat..I really write this to just get it out...I don't expect comments or a "it'll get better jenn" i know it will. I am not clinically depressed or anything. I just get frustrated like anyone..I cant always be the cheery eyed girl you all know...But I am trying..
so yeah more later. thanks for reading.
~Jenn~
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
sorry I am
I'm sorry I didn't sound more excited on the phone. I'm sorry that after all these years I've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears. I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me. I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry I am....And I don't know what it is about you. I just know it's not what it was. I don't know why red fades before blue it just does and I don't know what it is about me that I just can't keep still. I keep thinking someday I will make this all up to you..and maybe someday I will. I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me. I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry I am...
You know what sux..more than anything in the world right now..I cant remember my dreams..Not one little second...I always remember my dreams. Its difficult for me...because I sleep to dream. Its the only good thing i get from sleeping and now I don't have that. beat up eh? haha I thought so. So this blog...well has no purpose...I dont think...by the end of that I may uncover more about me... who knows...so enjoy my newly found journey to self discovery possibly.. ha who knows.
So last night, i was cleaning some and found this picture I use to have hung up at the hideaway..
Makes me smile and sad all at the same time...things then were so fun and care free and different..i miss those days and should have never completely stopped doing what I was doing. I wasn't sure what i was actually trying to do, but it was fun and funny..hahah. ah good times.
I have no purpose for this blog..Other than I can think of a billion other places with certain people I would rather be with..and cant really do that...because it just isn't right at the moment...nor will it ever be i suppose. My "love" life has been one big emotional non existent roller coaster...that even I cant get a grip on at the moment...so there is no use in wasting words on describing it..other than...I wish i could have done that a whole lot different and would take most of it back. I don't regret much...but I do feel no so comfortable with choices I have made recently.. and to have gone without them wouldn't be so bad either. i can be so dumb. haha
you live you learn. that's not what i wanna focus on here...what do I wanna focus on...yes I wanna make a video..I'm thinking to something by The Spill Canvas...i have so many ideas and not enough people willing to be a part of it...or even the time to create it. I would do it myself but its hard to video and act and do it all, not impossible, just annoying..and I am not much for acting really...well kinda...not amazing...anyways ill think more on this..I need a better camera and soon a better computer..
Dec4th, is our first Bout!! Location:First Ward Recreation Center Time:4:00PM Saturday! So you guys need to come out and support us! I will not be playing in this one, bc I am still really new...but I will be there! Doing something! haha So yeah...come support us!! you can get tickets here...www.charlottespeeddemons.com . I am excited I actually get my picture taking soon and Ill be up on the site too..I really am so thankful to have met all these guys and girls involved...its pretty much the only thing I am really involved at the moment. they rock! And they got me boxing too...they are having a championship fight and keep joking that I need to be in it..i hit hard...but I don't wanna get hit.. hahah dork.
My hand is all swollen from the last training..I hit that bag hard, and wrist did something weird..Im been icing it today and taking it easy. I actually had a day off today and I did nothing..Beth needed my jeep so I just sat here..and played rock band on my phone..yeah i was dorky enough to buy the whole app for 10 bucks , but so worth it.
What else is new...I totally just went on a picture commenting rampage on face book. a.d.d much. hello...This blog obviously just cant get deep tonight...I am ok with that...deep usually, but not always means, something is bothering me...and well not much is right now...I mean it is..but I don't wanna talk about it...more later..
.La fille danse Quand elle joue avec moi Et je pense que je l'aime des fois Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc Quand on est ensemble Mettre les mots Sur la petite dodo...
gnight.
~JenN~
You know what sux..more than anything in the world right now..I cant remember my dreams..Not one little second...I always remember my dreams. Its difficult for me...because I sleep to dream. Its the only good thing i get from sleeping and now I don't have that. beat up eh? haha I thought so. So this blog...well has no purpose...I dont think...by the end of that I may uncover more about me... who knows...so enjoy my newly found journey to self discovery possibly.. ha who knows.
So last night, i was cleaning some and found this picture I use to have hung up at the hideaway..
Makes me smile and sad all at the same time...things then were so fun and care free and different..i miss those days and should have never completely stopped doing what I was doing. I wasn't sure what i was actually trying to do, but it was fun and funny..hahah. ah good times.
I have no purpose for this blog..Other than I can think of a billion other places with certain people I would rather be with..and cant really do that...because it just isn't right at the moment...nor will it ever be i suppose. My "love" life has been one big emotional non existent roller coaster...that even I cant get a grip on at the moment...so there is no use in wasting words on describing it..other than...I wish i could have done that a whole lot different and would take most of it back. I don't regret much...but I do feel no so comfortable with choices I have made recently.. and to have gone without them wouldn't be so bad either. i can be so dumb. haha
you live you learn. that's not what i wanna focus on here...what do I wanna focus on...yes I wanna make a video..I'm thinking to something by The Spill Canvas...i have so many ideas and not enough people willing to be a part of it...or even the time to create it. I would do it myself but its hard to video and act and do it all, not impossible, just annoying..and I am not much for acting really...well kinda...not amazing...anyways ill think more on this..I need a better camera and soon a better computer..
Dec4th, is our first Bout!! Location:First Ward Recreation Center Time:4:00PM Saturday! So you guys need to come out and support us! I will not be playing in this one, bc I am still really new...but I will be there! Doing something! haha So yeah...come support us!! you can get tickets here...www.charlottespeeddemons.c
My hand is all swollen from the last training..I hit that bag hard, and wrist did something weird..Im been icing it today and taking it easy. I actually had a day off today and I did nothing..Beth needed my jeep so I just sat here..and played rock band on my phone..yeah i was dorky enough to buy the whole app for 10 bucks , but so worth it.
What else is new...I totally just went on a picture commenting rampage on face book. a.d.d much. hello...This blog obviously just cant get deep tonight...I am ok with that...deep usually, but not always means, something is bothering me...and well not much is right now...I mean it is..but I don't wanna talk about it...more later..
.La fille danse Quand elle joue avec moi Et je pense que je l'aime des fois Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc Quand on est ensemble Mettre les mots Sur la petite dodo...
gnight.
~JenN~
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Im never alone, Im alone all the time...
Must be your skin that I'm sinkin in. Must be for real cause now I can feel and I didn't mind it's not my kind, its not my time to wonder why. Everything gone white and everything's grey. Now your here now you away. I don't want this remember that. I'll never forget where your at...I guess I started my blog off like this because of how I feel at the moment. Will I ever cheer up..things were good for a while..they aren't bad now..They are just....indifferent?
My life is indifferent. I am back and forth about everything..what i want, what i don't want..What i want to want me back , and what I know i don't want to want me. the what is pertaining to jobs, girls, life, everything. Everything moves so fast, so its only natural when you are involved in something that is moving fast and then it suddenly wants to stop, its going to throw your whole world off balance right? Its going to mess your head up and cause you to stumble..Its ok to stumble..maybe not threw your whole life, but its ok..I stumbled. I fell hard...it stopped...im off kilter now. I don't pretend to be an amazing person. I am what you think I am. I am who I wanna be and no one...NO ONE will ever take that from me. But when you make me stumble...fall...Its big.
This is so big. Its the smallest thing and yet so big. I think I'm doing the right thing...I mean i really thought it was all right. I am cryptic for a reason. I don't know how I feel...Im never alone, I am alone all the time...a line from Glycerin...this blogs song of choice. This line stands out to me..because its how I feel. I am never alone, I have so many people, sooooo many that care...So many wanna be there for me...but I have never felt so alone..I don't expect anyone to understand whats happening to me...Because I don't even know. Not a effing clue. Opening a door that an X slammed in your face is hard...and I did.. i open wide up...and only one got to come in.And i took her all in. Breath by breath...wasn't gonna mess this up...not with her. Its all messed up now. Its all gone to crap in the course of a few weeks...no ones fault..well me being not good enough, then freaking out...but that's my outlook. I know no one will agree with my pity party there...NO i don't pity myself, ha i feel sorry for me. GET OVER IT right? I know! haha I fight with myself a lot. I really don't think I have it bad..I work really hard for everything I have..and everything I've lost.
I know I really don't need a girl in my life...but it is nice to have that one girl...you can see when you want...and she will want to hold you and be there...to talk or to kiss, or to wrestle with if you want...to look at me like I am amazing...or to punch me in the arm because i was a jerk haha. Someone who will understand that I have to lay in my bed at least once a day and listen to music..and not worry that I am mad or upset...but some people need to go smoke...i need a music break. haha best way to put it..I want someone who doesn't live in chaos. someone who will actually be happy when nothing is wrong, so many people have to always have something going on dramatic in their lives..it gets really old. Someone who doesn't assume the worst when your having a bad day..someone who will tell me they are having a bad day to look out..She wouldn't be afraid to call me on your bullshit...she wants to dance with me...I love to dance...ahhh I guess i could conjure up a fake person like on practical magic...I wonder if girls like that do exists?
I am more afraid of never opening up to ever let anyone like that in again. Man i talk about wanting someone in my life bad. What scarier wanting someone you who wants back or wanting someone you cant have? Life's little questions. I am so distracted right now..I have so much music on my computer and i am trying to listen to it all right now. hahah I love it.
I am getting tired...I need to take advantage of actually maybe wanting to sleep. Lots of things to vent about, ill prolly write a decent amount this week. because there are things I wanna do...and i wanna say to someone...and tell them....and no its a bad idea to even think about her the way I do...oh the tangled webs i weave...im scared its all just gonna blow up..but I cant help it. I feel like something has got to give..ok im so tired, this will be continued tomorrow night!!! Thanks for reading my whine fest 2010..ahah I'm such the baby...gnight..
Quote of the night
"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?
-Girl Interrupted-
~JenN~
in·dif·fer·ent/inˈdif(ə)rənt/Adjective
1. Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned: "indifferent to foreign affairs"; "they all seemed indifferent rather than angry".
2. Neither good nor bad; mediocre: "attempts to distinguish between good, bad, and indifferent work"My life is indifferent. I am back and forth about everything..what i want, what i don't want..What i want to want me back , and what I know i don't want to want me. the what is pertaining to jobs, girls, life, everything. Everything moves so fast, so its only natural when you are involved in something that is moving fast and then it suddenly wants to stop, its going to throw your whole world off balance right? Its going to mess your head up and cause you to stumble..Its ok to stumble..maybe not threw your whole life, but its ok..I stumbled. I fell hard...it stopped...im off kilter now. I don't pretend to be an amazing person. I am what you think I am. I am who I wanna be and no one...NO ONE will ever take that from me. But when you make me stumble...fall...Its big.
This is so big. Its the smallest thing and yet so big. I think I'm doing the right thing...I mean i really thought it was all right. I am cryptic for a reason. I don't know how I feel...Im never alone, I am alone all the time...a line from Glycerin...this blogs song of choice. This line stands out to me..because its how I feel. I am never alone, I have so many people, sooooo many that care...So many wanna be there for me...but I have never felt so alone..I don't expect anyone to understand whats happening to me...Because I don't even know. Not a effing clue. Opening a door that an X slammed in your face is hard...and I did.. i open wide up...and only one got to come in.And i took her all in. Breath by breath...wasn't gonna mess this up...not with her. Its all messed up now. Its all gone to crap in the course of a few weeks...no ones fault..well me being not good enough, then freaking out...but that's my outlook. I know no one will agree with my pity party there...NO i don't pity myself, ha i feel sorry for me. GET OVER IT right? I know! haha I fight with myself a lot. I really don't think I have it bad..I work really hard for everything I have..and everything I've lost.
I know I really don't need a girl in my life...but it is nice to have that one girl...you can see when you want...and she will want to hold you and be there...to talk or to kiss, or to wrestle with if you want...to look at me like I am amazing...or to punch me in the arm because i was a jerk haha. Someone who will understand that I have to lay in my bed at least once a day and listen to music..and not worry that I am mad or upset...but some people need to go smoke...i need a music break. haha best way to put it..I want someone who doesn't live in chaos. someone who will actually be happy when nothing is wrong, so many people have to always have something going on dramatic in their lives..it gets really old. Someone who doesn't assume the worst when your having a bad day..someone who will tell me they are having a bad day to look out..She wouldn't be afraid to call me on your bullshit...she wants to dance with me...I love to dance...ahhh I guess i could conjure up a fake person like on practical magic...I wonder if girls like that do exists?
I am more afraid of never opening up to ever let anyone like that in again. Man i talk about wanting someone in my life bad. What scarier wanting someone you who wants back or wanting someone you cant have? Life's little questions. I am so distracted right now..I have so much music on my computer and i am trying to listen to it all right now. hahah I love it.
I am getting tired...I need to take advantage of actually maybe wanting to sleep. Lots of things to vent about, ill prolly write a decent amount this week. because there are things I wanna do...and i wanna say to someone...and tell them....and no its a bad idea to even think about her the way I do...oh the tangled webs i weave...im scared its all just gonna blow up..but I cant help it. I feel like something has got to give..ok im so tired, this will be continued tomorrow night!!! Thanks for reading my whine fest 2010..ahah I'm such the baby...gnight..
Quote of the night
"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?
-Girl Interrupted-
~JenN~
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Always the brides maid, never the bride..
This is my new saying..why. Lately I have felt like, whats the word..inadequate? Maybe..Second best...not the "it" kinda girl..haha take your pick..I mean I get told I am amazing..and pretty kool kinda girl...not that it matters, for once in my life I really don't want a girlfriend. Like I don't even crave it...Ive always been dating someone..never any single time...this time its different..Lately I have had a lot of me time...the people I started hanging out with recently..well...that's a story I don't wanna talk about..not bad, just I miss them..but...and Shane done went and got busy...Beth has a girl who is super sweet...but they are always doing something..so its been me and an iPhone full of music...working a bar somewhere, and skating...I walk around every where in a tshirt, hoodie, jeans, converse, sunglasses and headphones. That's my new style of choice..I don't care to dress up unless its a special occasion, I don't want to impress anyone..i don't care to..Not that I am giving up on myself...far from it. I think I am helping myself. I don't know how to explain it. So many thoughts going on in my head. I like to write...sometimes, i do think, shit...who reads this? They are gonna know all these thoughts in my head..But I like writing..I guess i don't have to make it public..but eh what the hey right?
I am in such a state of confusion at the moment..Everyday I think about taking angels offer and move to Cali..why am I scared...I have nothing really keeping me here...no substance, no one who is willing to actually love every hair on my head...maybe I should just go...I feel after a gun to my head ( not that i wanna keep using that) i just have a different train of thought now..I see the important things, and could give a shit about the dumb things...you just never know how long you have something or someone around...I find myself taking the time to enjoy every single thing and body around me. I am not out to shit talk anyone, or hurt anyone..I want everyone to be happy and comfortable..even it means I am not.. ahhh I am losing my train of thought..I do have derby and am becoming very comfortable with them all...and a couple i hang with now..and they are so much fun!! I am glad i decided to just got for it..not let anyone make me feel i couldn't do it...even though i went through some crazy stuff before i actually get in there...but I'm there now..and its amazing..
Chances, why do people take them? Are they a good thing, or a bad thing...why does it matter anyway? good questions...I have no idea where I am going with this, but if you are a reader of my mind and blog then you'll understand this jumping around...I have a such a thought process, it literally branches off like a huge tree...one thing always make me think of the next and i always think about what I'm gonna say before i say it which makes me think more... hahaha wow. anyways...i think that's all for now, I think I might actually be sleepy...I haven't really slept in while..I think I need to for real. I have so much in my head, and these thoughts need to either disappear or sleep or something...because I am getting tired of them..well gnight. everyone. thanks for reading..
~JenN~
I am in such a state of confusion at the moment..Everyday I think about taking angels offer and move to Cali..why am I scared...I have nothing really keeping me here...no substance, no one who is willing to actually love every hair on my head...maybe I should just go...I feel after a gun to my head ( not that i wanna keep using that) i just have a different train of thought now..I see the important things, and could give a shit about the dumb things...you just never know how long you have something or someone around...I find myself taking the time to enjoy every single thing and body around me. I am not out to shit talk anyone, or hurt anyone..I want everyone to be happy and comfortable..even it means I am not.. ahhh I am losing my train of thought..I do have derby and am becoming very comfortable with them all...and a couple i hang with now..and they are so much fun!! I am glad i decided to just got for it..not let anyone make me feel i couldn't do it...even though i went through some crazy stuff before i actually get in there...but I'm there now..and its amazing..
Chances, why do people take them? Are they a good thing, or a bad thing...why does it matter anyway? good questions...I have no idea where I am going with this, but if you are a reader of my mind and blog then you'll understand this jumping around...I have a such a thought process, it literally branches off like a huge tree...one thing always make me think of the next and i always think about what I'm gonna say before i say it which makes me think more... hahaha wow. anyways...i think that's all for now, I think I might actually be sleepy...I haven't really slept in while..I think I need to for real. I have so much in my head, and these thoughts need to either disappear or sleep or something...because I am getting tired of them..well gnight. everyone. thanks for reading..
~JenN~
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