Again..

Started this jan 26th:
I tired writing a while ago...three hours of thinking and writing and saving...and oh yeah vanishing! I have no idea where it went..i am really upset and glad all at the same time. I am not sure if I am in the mood to write any right now..I thought I would start and maybe see where it gets me. I started the last blog...off with a song ...then transitioned in to talking about how dumb I was i didn't see what was going on behind my back...once a cheat always....yadda yadda...then I quick turn to who cares....she never was gay to begin with...to what I really want out of life...and how I pretty much think I am never meant to find it...to...being ok content with my life, because at least I am not living a lie. I have always and will always appreciate everything I have been giving or worked hard for..Would you work hard for what you want or live a lie to get what you want? Life is more than new clothes and purses and new cars...I look at it several ways..Live the life you can afford...who cares ur gonna die anyways...or make life count while ur here...ur gonna die anyways..hahah

Not that I am negative..I just keep meeting complete jerks...who build me up only to let me down again. Here is a thought assholes....if I'm not worth ur time...don't waste it on me..I'm pretty content with honesty..almost everyone i seem to come in contact with has a hard time telling me the truth...why is this? just fucking do it. I assure you ...you wouldn't be the first nor the last disappointment of my life. This isn't aimed at anyone one in specific...just people in my life as a whole...grow some balls...and try be honest with the person you have now. I am pretty sure I have taken the role of good luck chuck...if u saw this then you know...2 girls I really cared about are married now...well 3.. and so if you dated me....get ready! hahaha   no but in all seriousness..I am glad they are happy..but just remember...before you decide to string someone a long...remember they have real feelings too...not just you. They actually matter..And if it wasn't what you wanted...its was probably OK to tell them...instead of lying and just hurting them..think about it. some people are just so insensitive and selfish.

Ok So it's Feb 9th now.. Much has happened since my last entry. Derby is going great.. Which I need to write in the derby blog.. Life is ok. Confusion. Still the same. Haha but when isn't it. Lots of changes made around me. I miss my mom. Going to NY in march to see her. So I'm excited about that. I had a dream last night that I was in a plane crash. Maybe bc my brother called me about flights. And that always happen. Random things i talk about get stored in my brain and I dream later. Hahah sometimes the dream are better than others. So yeah I'm laying in bed. Very sore from practice. It's getting brutal. But I like it. My body is getting in better shape everyday.. I'm starting to have more stamina and I'm so glad. Bc shits hard. Again this derby blog stuff but it seems to be my life right now. life. Not the best. But that's ok. I've met some Kool girls.. But I just am so emotionally blocked that i come off like I don't care. Most girls like this. Which is
Dumb. But after what I have been through I'm just plain scared.

There's been this one girl. Ooooooh this girl. She drives me crazy! Thats all I can say. Like literally. Things should just happen but I'm not sure if it's
Smart. I'm so stuck in my own scared little world that I just need to move away. Start over. And live another life hahah. If only it were that easy. It's never easy. Unless u have no soul and u move through person to person. Relationship to relationship.. How can u leave someone u love and immediately jump into it with someone else. When this happens to u, u really question if they ever loved you. And if they did. When did they stop. And better yet. Why? Simple question. Why? Why do people hurt other people. Why do people choose unimportant things over a life they chose with someone. Crazy. I love love. I do. I want everything to be a fairy tale. I'm just not all dreamy about it. Ive always been one to stick it out. Roll with punches. And never leave u hanging out to dry. But that's me. And no one is like me. That is for damn sure. I care so much about everything I piss myself off! Hahah. I literally think to myself. Why do I do this. Why do I care. But it's who I am. Glad I was born this way.

Enough of the gayness.. So my new hang out is Wild Wing Cafe. I "live" there hahah I'm not always out drinking so when u read my post don't be like damn drunk at it again! I'm not one of those people. But I like my company. And they like me. Even when I don't drink. Which is refreshing bc I hate hanging out with a bunch of alchys who want me to be at their level. Annoying!!! I don't always like to feel drunk and since I don't have a DD at all times. I don't really wanna spend the night in jail. Man cops are bad now. Like everywhere! Terrifies me. And living near uptown they are always out.

So yeah I guess not to much has gone on with me. Just getting pass the life that put me in a whole and trying
To move on to better things. With a better self esteem and better outlook. It's going ok so far. That's about all I got. I actually have another blog
I've written but it will
Come later. Still working on that. My writing, if u didn't know, is all over the place. Like my head, and thoughts. Alright I'm passing out. Gnight. Thanks for reading!

~Jenn~