welp thats about it.

So I got moved in to my new temporary place, with Emily. She was nice enough to let me use a room until i got myself all sorted out. I really hate moving..but when I moved this time..I realized..I had nothing. haha and it was short and sweet..Which is kinda depressing if you think about it..The whole time at my house. I stressed on cleaning and where to store everything and realized...its not my stuff...none of it. I think its gonna be a long time before I acutally ever move in with someone I date..bc going through this twice now..I am so upset and lost and then I feel like..what am I sad about..If I was wanted then Id still be around them right? One day someone will want me..but I am in the mentality of why do I care if anyone wants me. And why am I am writing about it. No one cares anyways..She clearly doesn't really care that my hearts feels like its been ripped out. I knew she never wanted it to clearly work..i just have a hard time excepting it now. Its hard dating someone who was ur friend first. Because everyone knows everyone, and the fill you in on the things you never really wanted to know on what ur x's are doing. maybe i am super upset because im sick right now and alone in bed..or maybe its because its ok for someone to text me all their feelings but if i respond...its sorry Jenn have a good night gotta go get drunk! with her new what ever he is. Im sorry. I feel like i have to write to get it out. I know it will get better which is what everyone tells me..but its not to hard to ask for honesty. I guess the only things that drives me crazy with relationships is that people get so close....so quick then fall apart quicker...then try to save it..some of them try really hard...and some of them look for the next best thing and peace out...bc they think they found it. I am also dealing with a very traumatic experience with mom..and watching something i never wanted to see..i don't want to get in to detail..but she is moving soon and hopefully shell get better..all these bad things happen all at once..this time i am lost..I have no idea how im going to pull myself out of where I am. and it scares the hell out of me..I have always been on top of everything..I have lately surrounded my life around a person or persons..that just don't care about anything ...so now ive gotten slack. I need to fix this asap. more working...more keeping busy...and less worrying about someone who doesn't want a fucking thing to do with me. i know this and everyone in my life knows this..but i like to think that she was the one thing i could cling to for safety..dammit.

blah I am all over the place..i guess i have to stop worrying now..its not my problem. i hate what this is doing to me on the inside. and i cant stand how i feel...and for what...someone who dismisses me as soon as other people that are better for her to be around..bullshit. I deserve better..I am gonna stop worrying about her now.

I wish I could say why this went this way. I know now when someone promises u the world. They only mean Their world and everything bad in it and things they aren't willing to
Change. Compromise. I wrote it before. It doesn't exist. One person tries and the other is miserable bc they pretend to want to. I talked to a co worker tonight bc he has been with his bf for 9 years I think. He said they had their problems. But they respected each other so much they knew what the right choice was and that was for them to be together so they got through it. He said it was hard but his love for him meant more than anything. If only some people had that mentality. I did.. And I tried so hard. With everything in my life. But for what. To be alone all over again. While everyone else just doesn't care. It's upsetting. I care so much. But I guess I have to stop. I feel like I'll always be the girl everyone loves but no one really wants. Frustrating! Maybe I need to change everything about me. Maybe im
Doing something wrong. It cant possibly be possible to just keep having this much bad luck
Right? This is all gay.. All this Hurt and for what.. Someone who completely has forgotten me.

So.. This is harsh I get it. Get over it? I dunno.. I needed to write. Gnight...

~Jenn~