in·dif·fer·ent/inˈdif(ə)rənt/Adjective
1. Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned: "indifferent to foreign affairs"; "they all seemed indifferent rather than angry".
2. Neither good nor bad; mediocre: "attempts to distinguish between good, bad, and indifferent work"My life is indifferent. I am back and forth about everything..what i want, what i don't want..What i want to want me back , and what I know i don't want to want me. the what is pertaining to jobs, girls, life, everything. Everything moves so fast, so its only natural when you are involved in something that is moving fast and then it suddenly wants to stop, its going to throw your whole world off balance right? Its going to mess your head up and cause you to stumble..Its ok to stumble..maybe not threw your whole life, but its ok..I stumbled. I fell hard...it stopped...im off kilter now. I don't pretend to be an amazing person. I am what you think I am. I am who I wanna be and no one...NO ONE will ever take that from me. But when you make me stumble...fall...Its big.
This is so big. Its the smallest thing and yet so big. I think I'm doing the right thing...I mean i really thought it was all right. I am cryptic for a reason. I don't know how I feel...Im never alone, I am alone all the time...a line from Glycerin...this blogs song of choice. This line stands out to me..because its how I feel. I am never alone, I have so many people, sooooo many that care...So many wanna be there for me...but I have never felt so alone..I don't expect anyone to understand whats happening to me...Because I don't even know. Not a effing clue. Opening a door that an X slammed in your face is hard...and I did.. i open wide up...and only one got to come in.And i took her all in. Breath by breath...wasn't gonna mess this up...not with her. Its all messed up now. Its all gone to crap in the course of a few weeks...no ones fault..well me being not good enough, then freaking out...but that's my outlook. I know no one will agree with my pity party there...NO i don't pity myself, ha i feel sorry for me. GET OVER IT right? I know! haha I fight with myself a lot. I really don't think I have it bad..I work really hard for everything I have..and everything I've lost.
I know I really don't need a girl in my life...but it is nice to have that one girl...you can see when you want...and she will want to hold you and be there...to talk or to kiss, or to wrestle with if you want...to look at me like I am amazing...or to punch me in the arm because i was a jerk haha. Someone who will understand that I have to lay in my bed at least once a day and listen to music..and not worry that I am mad or upset...but some people need to go smoke...i need a music break. haha best way to put it..I want someone who doesn't live in chaos. someone who will actually be happy when nothing is wrong, so many people have to always have something going on dramatic in their lives..it gets really old. Someone who doesn't assume the worst when your having a bad day..someone who will tell me they are having a bad day to look out..She wouldn't be afraid to call me on your bullshit...she wants to dance with me...I love to dance...ahhh I guess i could conjure up a fake person like on practical magic...I wonder if girls like that do exists?
I am more afraid of never opening up to ever let anyone like that in again. Man i talk about wanting someone in my life bad. What scarier wanting someone you who wants back or wanting someone you cant have? Life's little questions. I am so distracted right now..I have so much music on my computer and i am trying to listen to it all right now. hahah I love it.
I am getting tired...I need to take advantage of actually maybe wanting to sleep. Lots of things to vent about, ill prolly write a decent amount this week. because there are things I wanna do...and i wanna say to someone...and tell them....and no its a bad idea to even think about her the way I do...oh the tangled webs i weave...im scared its all just gonna blow up..but I cant help it. I feel like something has got to give..ok im so tired, this will be continued tomorrow night!!! Thanks for reading my whine fest 2010..ahah I'm such the baby...gnight..
Quote of the night
"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?
-Girl Interrupted-
~JenN~
I have always found in the past that when I am going through different things when I surround myself with people I was just pretending to not feel alone and not realizing the battle wasn't really the fact of Alone by definition but more so alone in the way that I distracted myself withother things, work, and people, trying to escape from the real truth that I was burying inside myself not wanting to come to terms with. In turn was the real aloneness ... because people were there, friends wanting to give their advice or help, none of which was right because, I was not even knowing what was causing me to feel how I was. I knew the problem but not the real issue at hand always tending to put it in the back of head buried so deep never to be able to really heal. the more people I am around, is that going to make me feel better or how I should, the more I stay focused on work and everyone elese problems, will that fix mine? when it was because I couldn't fix my own I really got more of a satisfaction or fulliment out of trying too damn hard on making everyone elses right and I would feel better for a bit.. but it was a short term fix and escape from myself. Yeah okay now I am going on in a different direction rambling ha! and women LOL OMG really? We all have flaws, imperfections, skeletons in our closets, secrets, battles, moods, Choas in ones self ..but ok without all of that where is the balance... where is the seperation of order?? When did flaws of our own make-up not become as beautiful as our perfections??? When did it become decided our lovely mistakes and darkness we ALL fight everyday was not aloud, when it is the only thing that allows us as people to appriciate the other side? As we don't all have flaws, and that other is perfect leaving you/me/us whoever to feel there is something wrong within us? To me that is called selfishness and denying the real feeling of Love substituting it with Lust. We are human and we might not be much or have the world to offer but we are who we are and if you love someone you take it alllll in the good the bad the uhm ok weird wth? Without question because it will feel right. Not judged or harsh or the urge to have to change something about you. I'm just saying...
ReplyDelete(cont) some are too quick to make decisions about partners and not taking into consideration what the other might be feeling or going through ( #1 mistake in damaging a form of establishing a relationship ) Nothing will ever work 1 way, no comprimise, compassion, empathy, or trust... BUT trust comes with time and some expect it right away another HUGE fault in communication! None of us are the same each handling our problems in our own ways, some going through more than others... hurt, loss, tramatic experiances whatever it may be making some people closed off longer, needing more time before jumping into the fire. I don't know what I am saying or where this whole thing has ended up going bwhahaha except your great and it is not really about being indifferent it is about stepping stones, change, growing and learning with what has been handed to us.. like a snake shedding it's skin, we do the same as time goes by, just in our mind. We become different within ourselves yet, we are still the same person. take it, love it, or leave it... Your perfect the way you are! There is your battle - realizing you are wonderful. Drown out the sounds and hidden induendo's flowing in your ears from others in your past that make you feel and think otherwise. Let yourself be happy and quit settling for contentment... they are two very different things. and you are not alone but maybe you just need to spend time with yourself... letting the piece of yourself you may be losing to come back inside to become whole again. no lover or friend can fully do that, only you can... and only when the time is right for you. Take a breath you have a lifetime tomorrow will still be here. Maybe the girl for you is not in the circle of friends or at a bar, maybe it is just the girl down the street with her own life seperate from yours not with the same drama heard by the same people... ya never know? Just a thought........ OKAY I am done... because yes, this did and DID NOT all go with your post and is hmmm somewhat ridiculous LOL - LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! Smile! Angel
ReplyDeleteur pretty amazing, and 100% right, gah so many smart people around me i need to learn from you guys!
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