I cant seem to kill my assailants...

I really want to be so far away from all of everything right now. Today I passed and Old lady...sitting on the side of the street...with her walker, sunglasses and a sweater...just sitting there. I wanna be that care free..maybe shes not care free, maybe she is sick. Maybe she is in pain..but she looked peaceful. If you looked at me...I don't look peaceful. I am so uptight about a lot of things. I am really tired of my catch phrase being "well i enjoyed it while it lasted" because its really making me not really enjoy anything that may happen to me in the new future, because I expect it to fail. That's horrible..because if you knew me, you would know I am so positive and optimistic. Maybe its the rain today. Maybe its nothing. Maybe because everything good i had going is slowly fading...like that song Shimmer..maybe its because I cant seem to get rest. Maybe its because I am focusing on all the wrong things...maybe you guys are tired of reading this blog. haha

I am totally uptight and frustrated lately..im tired of sitting down and trying to write and someone always texting or needing me and asking something of me ....that's horrible isn't it. haha
I don't mind doing anything for anyone...sometimes I wish I did. I have tried to write this blog for a while now..and everything that come out of my mouth seem so not positive eh? This feeling reminds me of a song..which, yes i do like song lyrics....THAT much..this song..." I'm all out of love, all out of faith. I would give everything just for a taste. Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, I'm losing the best of me." I feel like that. Gay.

I feel like 2 different people right now..One I wanna just have fun...go with the flow...not really care about much and roll with the punches so to speak..the other...i want structure..stability...can i be both...seems difficulty and impossible. I focus a lot on skating and am so proud to be a part of that. But scared because what If i have to go working more and not getting to skate as much. As most of you have heard. I no longer work at the Hideaway...I can think of maybe like 2 or 3 people maybe happy about haha but ....lots of people miss me...and I miss them...and the money...I understand it was nothing I did..just Michelle wanted her job back.. I expected it...but losing that much money...has become a big problem for me...in just a short amount of time.

I am currently looking for another job, and whats sad is that I have 2 already...I literally have anxiety at the thought of not staying busy. I think its because I am so miserable at the thought of being bored...I am so happy when im working or skating..So yeah anyone know of any jobs opening up , let me know.

Ok well i can see this blog isn't going to get anywhere in a good direction and I have to get ready for practice. So ill leave it at this.. I hope my next blog will be a little more up beat..I really write this to just get it out...I don't expect comments or a "it'll get better jenn" i know it will. I am not clinically depressed or anything. I just get frustrated like anyone..I cant always be the cheery eyed girl you all know...But I am trying..


so yeah more later. thanks for reading.


~Jenn~