Tonight. I settled in a hot bath. Lit a candle and listened to absolutely nothing. No text message rings, though some I do not mind. No screaming x girlfriends fighting...no OMG listen to this or Jenn do this Jenn do that. Or tv...no noises..just me and myself. With a glass of Mascato. I have determined that until I can get to where I can sleep again, a glass of wine seems to do the trick. I mean not saying to much it is almost 130am and I am still up. But this is progress. I don't stay up partying or hanging out. My brain is on a one way track to chaos at the moment. There is so much going on around me. Be it someone sneaking in my complex and stabbing them selves, to someone creating a phoney facebook to try and prove something or someone running their mouth just trying to hurt people... This blows my mind. People, girls wonder why the gay community is looked down on...I know yeah yeah str8 people do it to...so. Lets not?!
I am trying to move on with my life. No more sabotages of my life please. No more omg she looked me like this Jenn or Jenn she said this about her and him...and I DONT CARE. I am exactly where I need to be, I got here by listening to me. Trusting me. Knowing my gut feelings are always right. I just feel good. I like this girl. She seems to be just so...nice. Even though she admits to being mean sometimes...I think her forwardness is extremely attractive. And the way it feels when she kisses me. Its nice. I cant say where it will go...but we both are just focused on right now. I think neither one of us really wanna know where a future lies with us. Where I wanna see her so much...its nice to not have a flood of attention either...it keeps up both real. She truly is someone I can just be around and not worry about having a serious conversation all the time. Someone who will sit and watch a movie with me..and I look over and catch her staring at me. And I have been made to feel so much in the past, taking for granted, but she seems to soke every little bit of me up. Even if it just amounts to a friendship she cares. Its really nice. We have been on a few dates...which were extremely interesting and stories we could start off like you wouldn't believe this just happened but...hahah. Its only been a few weeks since we really stared hanging out..but I enjoy every second of it.
Another amazing part of my life is Derby, those girls have been so amazing and helpful and they invite me to do so much with them, and they are whipping me in to shape..i love it. I started Boxing with them too...That will work parts of ur body out that u didnt know existed. I am so sore from head to toe. Our trainer asked if I ever boxed before bc i hit hard...hahah made mee smile..you dont wanna mess with the likes of me. hahah jkjk But yeah thats going amazing. Other than all that work, is going good...still working hard, dont have time to do much other if imnot working I'm doing something derby related. and I am just happy..I get to focus on me...because i lost her for so long...I am really hoping someone likes who I am...and wont want a damn thing to change about me, bc this is who they fell in love with anyways...wishful thinking..
well I am going to bed...Shooting Nascar stuff and dog walking tomorrow, then to the hideaway to bartend. Really long day. as always thanks for reading...comment below...talk to me!
~Jenn~
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