welp thats about it.

So I got moved in to my new temporary place, with Emily. She was nice enough to let me use a room until i got myself all sorted out. I really hate moving..but when I moved this time..I realized..I had nothing. haha and it was short and sweet..Which is kinda depressing if you think about it..The whole time at my house. I stressed on cleaning and where to store everything and realized...its not my stuff...none of it. I think its gonna be a long time before I acutally ever move in with someone I date..bc going through this twice now..I am so upset and lost and then I feel like..what am I sad about..If I was wanted then Id still be around them right? One day someone will want me..but I am in the mentality of why do I care if anyone wants me. And why am I am writing about it. No one cares anyways..She clearly doesn't really care that my hearts feels like its been ripped out. I knew she never wanted it to clearly work..i just have a hard time excepting it now. Its hard dating someone who was ur friend first. Because everyone knows everyone, and the fill you in on the things you never really wanted to know on what ur x's are doing. maybe i am super upset because im sick right now and alone in bed..or maybe its because its ok for someone to text me all their feelings but if i respond...its sorry Jenn have a good night gotta go get drunk! with her new what ever he is. Im sorry. I feel like i have to write to get it out. I know it will get better which is what everyone tells me..but its not to hard to ask for honesty. I guess the only things that drives me crazy with relationships is that people get so close....so quick then fall apart quicker...then try to save it..some of them try really hard...and some of them look for the next best thing and peace out...bc they think they found it. I am also dealing with a very traumatic experience with mom..and watching something i never wanted to see..i don't want to get in to detail..but she is moving soon and hopefully shell get better..all these bad things happen all at once..this time i am lost..I have no idea how im going to pull myself out of where I am. and it scares the hell out of me..I have always been on top of everything..I have lately surrounded my life around a person or persons..that just don't care about anything ...so now ive gotten slack. I need to fix this asap. more working...more keeping busy...and less worrying about someone who doesn't want a fucking thing to do with me. i know this and everyone in my life knows this..but i like to think that she was the one thing i could cling to for safety..dammit.

blah I am all over the place..i guess i have to stop worrying now..its not my problem. i hate what this is doing to me on the inside. and i cant stand how i feel...and for what...someone who dismisses me as soon as other people that are better for her to be around..bullshit. I deserve better..I am gonna stop worrying about her now.

I wish I could say why this went this way. I know now when someone promises u the world. They only mean Their world and everything bad in it and things they aren't willing to
Change. Compromise. I wrote it before. It doesn't exist. One person tries and the other is miserable bc they pretend to want to. I talked to a co worker tonight bc he has been with his bf for 9 years I think. He said they had their problems. But they respected each other so much they knew what the right choice was and that was for them to be together so they got through it. He said it was hard but his love for him meant more than anything. If only some people had that mentality. I did.. And I tried so hard. With everything in my life. But for what. To be alone all over again. While everyone else just doesn't care. It's upsetting. I care so much. But I guess I have to stop. I feel like I'll always be the girl everyone loves but no one really wants. Frustrating! Maybe I need to change everything about me. Maybe im
Doing something wrong. It cant possibly be possible to just keep having this much bad luck
Right? This is all gay.. All this Hurt and for what.. Someone who completely has forgotten me.

So.. This is harsh I get it. Get over it? I dunno.. I needed to write. Gnight...

~Jenn~

All good things...

Not sure where to go, Everybody I know, Says I'm too forgiving.
And now that I'm gone, I don't wanna move on, I just keep reliving....Lost inside of my head, Empty side of the bed, I feel this place without you.
I keep pushing the bruise, 'Cause I don't want to lose, What I love about you...love the weepies. Very smart people. I am finally writing bc things have overwhelmed me and I'm just sad. Number one goal. Don't cry while writing. So this week I've been at the hospital a lot with my mom.. She got a knee replacement and it's been super rough. I don't like seeing my mom in there. After losing my dad and seeing him for the last time in a hospital.. It weighs on your heart and mind. I'm literally shaking as I'm writing this. She seems to be doing fine. But she's in so much pain.. It hurts me so hard to see it.. So I just go and sit and be with her and if she wakes up I'm there so she can talk to me..teresa has been there too which is good. She got released today and is safely at home. I've been dealing with a lot of other issues... Sometimes I just wanna wrote about It then sometimes I get to sad and can't..

I remember first meeting up with u and taking a long walk.. Then inviting u over and sitting nervously beside each other... Where did they go? The two that feel so hard so fast for each other. It's sad. I know what I want... But im not sure it matters anymore..

This is by far the worst xmas eve ever! I'm sitting at home. Alone ... Been laying in the dark. Playing music... Messing on Facebook. Thinking of a billions things i could do... Wondering when everything got bad in my life and why.. I seem to be following a cycle
Not sure how to get out of.. I really just want to be happy.. I want such basic things in life.. But I literally have no idea how to obtain them

This does not feel like Xmas eve... My dogs aren't here.. The girl I'm in love with isn't here... My life isn't here anymore... I'm not ready to start a new one..it doesn't feel right. What is this pain in my body I'm feeling... It's horrible! What if instead of heartache u got like a foot ache. So when u lose the one u wanted for life.. Ur toe hurts. That's be interesting.. Always trying to make light of a situation. I truly hope things work out. Whatever they work out to be..Because this feeling isn't ok.. Maybe it's karma for something I did.. I can't think of what though.. Maybe it's just fate. Hate that word. But we all knew that. I've been writing this for three days now... And I cry each time.. It's getting better. I'm ready to skate again... We've been on break for the holidays And I need something to get me focused! We won the chocolate refuse grant that everyone so awesomely voted for! Thank you!! That's really exciting. Rumour has it I'll be making an appearance on the website saying we won! Well not me actually saying it hahah. Looking forward to our new season. Coming up this year! We have a new facility At break away sports! Pretty excited about it! Anyways. Gonna try and get some sleep.. Not been much possible.. I know santas not visiting tonight.. Sad. Waking up to no one or nothing on Xmas is sad. I don't care who u are. Breaks my heart... Anyways thanks for reading this silly sad blog.. It felt better to get some of it out. It's not. Pity party attempt.. I'm just sad. Gnight.

~Jenn~

DERBY!

check out derby blog! ~Jenn~

http://jenndphillips2.blogspot.com/2011/12/holiday-on-ice.html

HAPPY TURKEY DAY...SO...

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WE are trying to win a grant from Refuel With Chocolate Milk! And we need you help! Please Visit this page once a day and vote for The Charlotte Speed Demons!!It only Takes a second!!! Thank you!!

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THANK YOU!!

~JENN~

Life..

So got the house yesterday! It feels good to be approved and have decent credit. Worked my ass off enough. Still super stressed out about it all. ( amd they googled me in the background checked and freaked when a jennifer phillips was a sex offender!! Not me btw!!) But it's huge!! And yeah we got a third roommate But he is pretty Kool;) Chewys my man! Amazing back yard for the pups and a nice garage!! It's been a rough road. And still more ahead I'm sure. But I'm thankful for every little thing I have in my life and I'm thankful for being able to respect that and not take it for granted. I know I can lose it all in a split second. But I am gonna work hard to not let that happen! So the house is 3 bedroom 3 1/2 bath with a huge basement. So chewy claimed that as his man cave. So it's like we have top floor. We share middle and chewy gets bottom. Hehehe he wishes;)-

So anyways here are a few pics of the place. We are starting to move later today!! And hopefully settled by the weekend. I still have half a month to
Stay in my apartment. But why would I?!

I also have a doc ap on Monday morning. I hope everything checks out. Bc I'm tired of waiting!!! Wish me luck!!!


Peace out

~Jenn~

I gotta keep believing this..

Bc it was the most honest thing wrote about me. I posted it awhile ago but , well ill post it again!!

It seemed interesting, so I thought Id repost it...



Who is Jennifer Dawn Phillips?

Someone that carries themselves in the most positive way possibly. Someone that knows the meaning of negative, but chooses not to acknowledge it. Someone that doesn't ask for respect..but recieves an immense amount of it.. Someone who's door is always open.. Someone who will give and help and never, ever ask for anything in return..but what makes you "you"..is the fact that you never expect anything, you do good because it's what you believe in.. it's not to be cool..or to be liked..it's because it is naturally part of who you are..Your someone that has loved, been loved..gotten hurt..came out of it on top.. You're a listener..a watcher..you observe and take note to the people around you..their actions..you are genuine...you are honest..even if its not the best thing to say at that certain time.. you have the courage to do it..because you say what you believe in..regardless of the reprecussions..your one of a kind..you love music..all types of music..but you don't listen to much hip hop on your own time. your someone that has seen blue october numerous times..and your the someone that thinks tori amos is a bitch to her fans. Your also someone that thoroughly enjoyed the macoroni bites..and you think jack in the box mad a lame decision... hmm.. your someone that refers to carowinds as a dirty whore of an ex. you think fighting is redneck.. .. your someone that has the ability to say whats going through your head..something that a lot of people should be jealous of..because it's difficult to put it out there. your someone that is okay with themselves..your someone that gets "hey u look like Brittany" you can rock a backwards hat..your loyal..very loyal.. and trustworthy..you wont betray someone for a quick laugh..when people confide in you, you take pride in that..and from that pride..you keep whatever it is that they need to get off their chest, to yourself. But you are also capable of beating a bitch ..if a bitch were to ever cross a line.. you stand up for the people you care about.. because you know those people will always be there for you.. your someone that can have a blast just lip sinking to the spice girls..and if there's some beer you may even just say screw the lip sinking and start belting it out like its your job. You don't let people's judgments bother you.. but you wouldnt want a close friend upset with you.. you know the difference between what's important and what's not. You are someone that covers their eyes when you sleep.. and your someone that just wants to go to the fucking beach.. you like sugar babies..and mini sirloin burgers.. you like the roller derby girls...your also someone that will put up with a lot of BULL SHIT.. and NO..it's not because you don't have the balls to stand up for yourself.. it's because you like to help people, and be there for them.. and half the time you get dicked over its when your helping someone.. so part of you is frustrated..but the other part..still wants to help them..and thats something you believe in..and like i said.. you are someone that stands up for what you believe in.. so it's not that you dont stand up for yourself..it's that your torn..and your thinking about the pros and cons.. your someone that is very hard to push over the edge.. and your someone that's reading this and like g.d. this is random..and long..so..these are just some of the attributes that make you who u are.. just certain characteristics that are a part of you.. All in all.. who is Jennifer Dawn Phillips...Jennifer Dawn Phillips. a.k.a. (you are you) and you fucking rock it.
You are also someone that just wants people to take of their mother fuckin shoes once they walk thru that mother fuckin door.



If you didnt know anything about me. that pretty much hit the nail in the head...


gnight.


~Jenn~