Whoa...

My thoughts after reading literally every post I have ever written. Man people are shitty! Hahah. But worse I was horrible to myself.

Still working on this book. Gonna be a good one. Does anyone ever look at this?


~jenn~

goodbye.

Hello 2014. The better year. The year i looked back and said. WTF was I thinking. Everything I did in 2013, ill take full responsibility for being the dumbest ass on earth. In 2013 I learned the following. Dont think its ok to be treated like shit. Dont let anyone change who youve always been. Dont hang out with anyone who has dicked you over. EVER! Never date and X's X, youre asking for physcoville. Never lie to anyone, even if you had good intentions. Never believe the girl who said you were her only, when you were only her whenever she felt like it. Change everything about your life. What state you live in, your way of thinking. Knowing that you actually do get older and its not ok to act the way you do sometimes.
Date someone you've never known...and who has never dated who you've dated and vice versa. Change your life. Stay away from everyone that hurt you and ignore the small acts that try to reel you back in. Change your phone number. Maybe even your job. And if you do see them out..act like you've never met them..you don't have to pay attention to everyone on earth do you? why them! Maybe its harsh...maybe I haven't done every step. Who knows..who cares? I don't anymore. This will be my last blog entry in the Journal. Its full of horrible dumb memories that im not so proud of. And full horrible things that people have done to me. possibly the last thing holding me to all the negative ive been through. I wont delete it. I wanna work on a book. hope you're not a chapter. haha jk

read this. laugh at it. post it. make fun of it. tag it #lifeofthejenn or #gofuckyourself but know. ive made me better and its all that ever mattered anyways. the rest of it was just a waste of time.:D

goodbye!

~Jenn~

Wisdom

 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be 
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by 
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable 
than my own meandering 
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not 
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. 
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and 
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before 
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you 
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that 
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm 
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with 
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with 
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you 
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your 
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they 
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year 
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe 
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky 
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t 
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your 
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, 
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever 
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for 
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the 
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you 
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and 
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you 
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live 
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will 
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize 
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were 
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, 
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one 
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will 
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who 
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of 
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the 
ugly parts and recycling it for more than 
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Random thoughts..

This is the first thanksgiving I've been alone and single in a really long time. I'm thankful for that. I've been so alone lately but it's been a good thing. I haven't had any desire to talk to any girls or care about dating. It's lonely yeah but I'm ok with it. Finally.  I'm waiting to find someone who is proud of who they are. Who won't hide it from anyone and who is faithful and someone I can trust. 2013 was filled with just shitty situations. Yeah I'm guilty  for lettin most of it happen. I never claimed to be innocent. A lot was me thinking I could give people who have wronged me a second chance turning life into a tornado. I'm pretty nice when it come to grudges. I don't hold them. But I have learned my lesson that's for sure. I haven't written in this in a long time but I am thinking about doing it a lot more. To keep my head clear bc I really don't have anyone to talk to. Anyways. Happy thanksgiving. To the horrible people I know and the good;) hope it was great!

To her...

All I know is that you're so nice, You're the nicest thing I've seen. I wish that we could give it a go, See if we could be something. I wish I was your favorite girl, I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile, I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style. I wish you couldn't figure me out, But you always wanna know what I was about. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset, I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met. I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly, 'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see. Basically, I wish that you loved me,I wish that you needed me, I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break, Yea, I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn't eat, Yea, I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep. Look, All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen And I wish we could see if we could be something..Yea, I wish we could see if we could be something...

People

So I'm sitting outside work. Here hours early. That seems to be the thing now.. Asking for a ride when I can get one. A lot harder now. Summer was going well. Then it changed. I thought it was gonna be all fun ha. Then it changed.  I'm sitting here. I can see where I use to live.  I miss my dogs. How horrible to rip that away from someone and feel ok about it. She was my best friend. Gone. Flash forward. Letting you're past in. She was my best friend. Less than a month she caused pain I will this time never get over. In between that another lost friend. I will more than likely have a hard time getting past.  I still have one consistent person who I can go to anytime.. Emily. Not even a worry that she is the definition of someone true. 

I've been constantly warned about someone who I love so much. But for almost six years she hasn't budged. No matter what. She's not just hanging out for her health. I know she cares about me. And loves me. We have had our differences but she is always there no matter what. I think it's no secret that I've been upset lately. I'm mostly mad at myself. Facebook drama would suggest I'm having a hard time getting over the x... This isn't the case. As much as I still very much love that girl we fell out of love a long time ago and I had the balls to move forward on it. And still got the bad guy rep for it. That's ok. I mostly have been questioning why I've let certain people into life and did what they wanted me to do.. Live the life they wanted. No one ever let me be me and now I feel kinda lost.  Trying to be a good person. I've  made some mistakes.. But who doesn't. I'm trying to change my luck. I care about being with one person and if that doesn't happen. Then I'm not meant to date at all for awhile. And even I wanna build my life up before I can commit to her. I miss all my close friends. I hate when people grow apart. I've just always held on to people that mean something. I've never been able to discard them so easy. But after present events that exactly what I must do. It's time to change my life all together. I'm saving every penny for a car. Then to find a stable home. Then to be around people who will love me no matter what and snap the fuck out of this depression because I promise I hate it just as much as anyone who reads it hates it. But it's here and it's a part of me and I won't let it over come me. If I keep it in ill explode. And ain't nobody got time for that. 

So this isn't a blog of sadness only a blog of me venting and that's about it. Wish I could report more happening with my life but still pretty much the same. 

~Jenn~

  

That awkward moment..

Lately I feel like everything I say should start with that phrase... This time last month I was in California.. Working on my life to make it better. Doing things I've only dreamed of. And now once again fate has decided something completely different for me. I don't regret much. Just not saying something to her mom when she verbally attacked me and told me how I wasn't worth anything. I wish that woman could walk a mile in my shoes. Where I've been and what I've been through. It's so funny.. How people judge people based off of financial status or what society thinks is right and wrong. I was just raised to not talk down to anyone like that. I'm proud of that. I would have defended her until my face was blue. But that's what happens when you love someone. Oh well. Someone else gets to have a chance with me. Somewhere out there. Not that I'm looking. I know where I wanna be. But it will never happen. I see that now...I was so silly to think I could have changed the destruction we started. I tried really hard to hold on but sometimes it's just not worth it anymore.

I'm scared. Everything around me scares me. I keep getting myself where I think I wanna be and it just keeps getting all messed up. I wanna be safe and protected and normal. I guess I'll never be normal. Which is a good thing I realize. I've been doing things lately that would seem out of control or dumb. But almost all of me just doesn't care anymore. The last month of my life is summed up in the word "unreal" truth!

I keep hearing jenn you'll never be happy.
Jenn you're never getting anywhere in life. Jenn I do love you but... It's like I'm a kid getting molded in to this self destructive person who is starting to believe what people tell her. But I'm not. I'm old enough to realize it and change it
But it's so hard when the only people you love are the ones telling you that you don't amount to much. When all you're thinking is "I'm doing all I can not to fade away and leave this place. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and protect myself, from myself." And to me that takes so much more intelligence and strength when you're struggling with it then it is to become a millionaire and live like society wants you too.

I'm much more than this world and I wish there was a place for people like me who think like I do to be. Maybe there is and it's called a crazy hospital. But for anyone to call some of the people I've been associated with sane.. Then maybe I am
Crazy. Like people who claim to be close to me and leave me when I need them most. For some of those friends who told me what I should do then judge me for doing it. Those who told me certain feelings and acted on it and blamed a drink and swore me to secrecy. Friends. Hard to find. Who wants to hurt you. Who wants to keep you safe. Think about that. What makes you a good friend? Do you get pleasure from seeing someone hurt or do you do what u can to make sure they never hurt. Not matter the circumstance?

I don't care what you've done. If I'm there for you. I'm there. And I'm glad almost everyone knows that's the truth. Eh can't win them all. I'm going through a lot of emotions currently. Who wouldn't? Trying to be with someone who u know you made miserable is hard.. Have I wasted
Time? Or was it suppose to happen.

Other things in life are going ok.. My new roommate situation is good. I'm not sure what I would do without them. I like to think they enjoy me. I fix things and massage them. They seem content. I haven't felt much like hanging
Out without them. It's funny how life works out. Meeting them a year ago or so..funny. Work is going well too. Schedule is excellent money is pretty good right now.

Emily is moving soon.. To London not sure how ill handle that when it actually happens. I'm so Happy for her though. And hope I can visit her. Not sure I can handle a plane ride that long.. But I would for her;))

I wanna play roller derby again. That addiction is getting stronger and stronger.. Transportation is tough but I may be skating with another team or it's on my list of def possibilities. I need to get focused on something other than me. My empty room and thinking. Not that I'm not having the time of my life. I am. I've met some kool new people. Been asked out a little to much then I'm used to and I'm just living day to day. It's the only way to go at the moment. I just know in the long run what I do want. It's finding someone who wants it too. I mean what's wrong with a beach. Bob Marley. Margaritas. And a life of whatever's? Yeah maybe I'll never find that girl. Maybe that girl is me and I need to get a cat and move to the beach. Alone. Eh anyways. I'm going to attempt sleep. I've been sick for a month now! Stress is so bad body. It's insane. Thanks
for reading;)

~jenn~